Mean

It feels as though I escaped middle school and high school with mild bullying, mean girls, and drama. There were some and it probably felt big at the time, but mostly, I feel pretty lucky that it wasn’t worse then. It was the last couple years of college that I actually felt like I had a target on me and I had a hard time coping with it at first. I was living the single life, experiencing some success, and I felt pretty exposed in all sorts of ways. My life was now out there and free to judge. People made negative comments about certain blog posts I had written and others had made jabs at me personally in organizations. I overheard insults and I had friends flat out tell me specific people didn’t like me. An article I had written for my opinion column caused a pretty big stir too. I had actually stood up for myself and others like me. But not everyone liked it. The biggest common denominators though have been the fact that they are usually girls and they don't know me personally. Some never even had a conversation with me. Which is crazy to think you could evoke strong emotions from someone without saying a word.

I have let it hurt my feelings. I cried. I’ve even sometimes looked at my success as a negative thing. I remember moping around my apartment one Sunday afternoon. And I remember talking to my sister about it and her telling me, well you know, you should expect it when you put yourself out there like that. It was something I pretty much knew, but had more weight hearing her say it. It was something I needed to learn. If I wanted to keep up with my passion of writing and let people have access to my mind and personal life, I needed to get used to the critics. That’s just something that comes with writing, social media, and putting yourself out there in general. Most of the time, you draw on your personal experiences. It’s the positive feedback that beats out the negative for me though. Receiving messages from others that they appreciate my writing, inspire or motivate them, is a huge part of why I even write at all. A lot of us go through the same things, have the same problems, questions, and wonder. I just put it into words for people. But I also know I am not the voice of everybody.

Online comment from a stranger in response to my GDI article. Was told to remember who I am and not to advocate for others. Also, first time I've had the "people like you" phrase used against me. Article can be accessed here: GDI Article 

As for the mean people, they don’t go away. They are around at age 15, 22, 34, 58, and so on. I accepted the fact that not everyone is going to be a fan of Rachel Marshall. That’s okay. And I also have to remind myself, that I shouldn’t harp so much on the people that don’t like me and spend more time appreciating, laughing with, and having fun with the ones that do. I eventually sat down and removed anybody on social media that I felt put negativity in my life. I didn’t want reminders of them and I didn’t want them to have access to my life anymore. And it feels good.

I like the notion that maybe a reason people don’t like you is the fact that you are doing something and sometimes maybe it’s exactly right. I hate that I actually had moments of resentment of my success when I felt so exposed. I should never apologize for doing good things, achieving goals, and chasing my dreams. We shouldn't let them take the 'power' out of our empowerment. I'm still wondering why girls don't cheer on other girls more than tearing them down. Let's be thankful for the ones that do. 

If you are ever having a rough day, jamming out to “Mean” by Taylor Swift might help just a little bit! :) 

And for the poetic people, here are a couple poems I worked on in response to the tough times I had with negative people.

Drunken Insults

You made yourself look bad

when trying to make me look worse.

I’m surrounded by a circle

you can’t break through.

Add to the scars,

try to reach my heart.

I won’t let you touch it.

Your shots will be blocked,

your words won’t be forgotten.

Say what you want;

but I know better.

Light the match and start the fire.

I’ll warm my hands in your cold world.

I’m cozy.

Not going anywhere.

My friends brought blankets.

So we’ll keep drinking.

…

Endless Possibilities

I’ll walk away from the crowded

arena of people. The ones that are fake

and talk about me. The jealous girls

and the mean fashion. The boys

that made me feel something, but meant

nothing. The ones that left my heart confused

and my feelings feeling hurt.

I’m walking away burned.

Not looking down at the bruises.

Letting go of the ties wrapped around me.

They fell to the ground. The same one

I used to kiss. It was all lust, wasn’t it?

I’m walking towards something better.

I’m no longer confined. Not blind to the games

played in the arena. I’ve rubbed off

the stigma and dropped the bricks to my walls.

The arena can keep them. They can build

their dreams on fictitious foundation.

I’ll walk away. All the way until I’m natural again.

Wipe my slate until it’s clean.

Let me flaws shine free.

Even if it’s just my heart and me,

I’ll tell her all about the endless possibilities.

One of the many reasons why I write & put myself out there. I'll keep exploring and I will write on. Thank you :) 

Sparkle & Shine.
Rachel 

Conversations with People Off Limits

What do you do when you want to talk to someone specifically, but the bridge between you burned? One night this last semester, I had an urge to talk to someone no longer in my life. It got me thinking and a little fascinated. It's amazing how a person that knew you so well and could talk to about anything became off limits. These people exist out there, but we feel like we can't talk to them because of this invisible wall of hurt, feelings, emotions, and memories. Why do we feel this way? Time and events cluttered our hearts and took away conversations and friends. I wondered what it would be like to call these people and just talked. Not about the past or anything that happened between us, but just to have a conversation. Why do we let it stop us? What would happen if we actually did pick up the phone and call?

Recently, I did get to have a conversation with one of those people that had felt off limits. And we didn't talk about the past between us, but rather caught up with each other and dealt with what was now. And afterward, we didn't have to feel like we were going back to what was. We don't have to talk to each other every day like we used to. Just a simple conversation. The things that get in between people fade over time and sometimes that person is the person we may need to talk to just to get our mind off something or to get their opinion, advice, humor.

It's amazing what we let clutter our hearts. This poem is what I wrote that night in the spring when I wondered what it would be like to talk to a person that cluttered my heart a lot.

Something Beautiful

I want to send you something beautiful

and I don’t know why.

You don’t need to say anything.

But wouldn’t it be something if we dropped differences

and I called you and we didn’t talk about the past

or religion or even our days and how they went?

We could talk about bugs and butterflies

and this new cool pen I got.

The one I will write poetry with

and little notes to people.

We could give our feelings a rest.

They need a night off.

Wouldn’t that be something?

Who said we have to be mad at each other in this moment?

What if we took a break from the world and our stories

and instead told each other a story or two?

Who says we couldn’t?

We’re different people now anyway.

Wouldn’t that be something?

To lay things down and laugh.

We could thank each other.

We could be happy too.

We could cry and let it all out

because we will need more space in our hearts

for sunsets and stars that take our breath away.

For butterflies to rush through after a kiss from someone we love.

And for other people and moments we don’t want to forget.

You already left your mark anyway.

We don’t need to hold on forever.

I could meet the you that is now.

And introduce you to myself.

We could say nice to meet you

and tell each other everything will be okay.

That would be something.

It could be beautiful.
It could be something.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Why I Chose to Compete in Miss Kansas USA

It may have been random or a surprise to some, while others might not be surprised at all that I would choose to compete in Miss Kansas USA. Those that know my love of glitter, dresses, heels, and the sort might be thinking this is right up my alley. Others that know my past experiences in creating BUILD Beauty and things I have written about might be scratching their heads. I think it is important for others to know the many reasons I am on this adventure because it’s not just for me to get pretty for a day and wear a gorgeous dress on stage. That will be a perk and a reward.

1.     Overcoming obstacles & fears

When I was in high school, I had looked into pageants, but I would see the money I had to raise or pay and get discouraged and think I couldn’t possibly do it. Then I would give up on it. Raising money, asking for sponsors, etc., was always my least favorite thing when it came to the organizations I was involved in and all the events I had to plan. It is a weakness I struggle with. I started to revert back to that fear when I saw I have to raise $900 in sponsorships and thought of the extra costs that will go along with it, but I told myself I can’t keep getting discouraged and I need to challenge myself to do it. It will be a good challenge for me and can help my business communication skills, which I could apply in my future. I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of fear winning so much.

2.     To keep up a healthy lifestyle

After competing in my first pageant at my heaviest and most self-conscious time of my life, I decided to kick my butt into gear by eating better and getting back in the gym regularly. I had a dress I wanted to look good in by a certain date and had a trainer that helped me along the way. I saw a lot of progress and made changes. And it was an amazing feeling being able to feel good in that dress. I wanted to compete in a pageant where I had a good amount of time to actually train hard and work my butt off for. Also, having an end goal keeps me motivated to stay in a healthy lifestyle.

3.     Timing

I just graduated college, moved back home, and have a part time job. The last 3 years, I have been used to juggling school, two jobs, 3-4 organizations, event planning, and more. I felt this was a good thing to keep me busy and challenged. The timing was great since I am not tied down to a full time job or school. I could have time for it.

4.     Avoiding more regrets

I am not a fan of the word: regret. I try not to use it and I try to avoid it. I know experiences like studying abroad are amazing and I wanted to so badly, but always had some excuse: timing, too busy, too expensive, too long, etc. Now I hate that I didn’t do it. So this was another thing that I didn’t want to pass by. I don’t want to look back and ask why I didn’t just do it.

5.     Applying the BUILD Beauty motto

Here is the big question some may ask, “How do you promote for girls to go makeup-free and to learn to love themselves naturally, but you are going to compete in a pageant where you wear a lot of make up and get judged for how you look?” There are times where I have felt like I may look like a hypocrite and I have put a lot of thought into it. Beauty Peace Day is what inspired me to start BUILD, but loving yourself makeup-free is not the only message of BUILD. It is to Believe in yourself, Un-do negative thinking, Inspire others, Live fully, Dream. I’ve always wanted girls to be the best they can be and to do whatever they want to achieve. I am going to have to believe in myself to do this adventure. It takes a lot of guts. I am going to have to un-do negative thinking and constantly remind myself not to compare myself to the other girls in a bad way. I hope to inspire others to fight their fears and do something that may be scary, but wonderful at the same time. One of my friends is also competing because she was inspired when I was accepted. She was the same way: scared, but didn’t want to look back and know she didn’t try. Now we are helping each other. I am living fully because I am overcoming fears and pushing myself mentally and physically. I’ve watched Miss USA and Miss America with my mom ever since I could remember and it has been a little seed of a dream of mine. So why not chase it? That’s an example of BUILD Beauty.

This is going to be an overall learning experience and that excites me. I don’t like being complacent. I like a challenge and experiences. There are always ways to improve, learn, and better yourself. This will be a good adventure to do so!

Want to keep up on my adventure? “Like” my Facebook page: Rachel for Miss Kansas USA

If you would like to donate, you can by visiting my Go Fund Me page at http://www.gofundme.com/awudew

If you are part of a business that wants to sponsor me or know of a business that can be a potential sponsor, please contact me! I have tax write off sheets and receipts pages. Any other questions, feel free to ask!

Thank you for the love & support!

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

A video on how you can support my journey to Miss Kansas USA!