One December night, Anna and I were trying to figure out
what our plans would be for the rest of the evening. Trevor, Paige’s now
fiancé, was trying to help us come up with ideas. He suggested inviting over
the boys we were talking to at the time to make cookies with us. Trevor then
randomly said, “I saw this YouTube video…” and went on to tell us what it was
about. It was a research study that was trying to find out if boys and girls
can really just be friends. He explained to us that girls did not have a problem
saying they could easily just be friends with a guy while the guys had a
problem saying they could just be friends with a girl. It was common for the
guys to want to eventually be more than friends with the girl they were friends
with. This could cause some conflict. Ever since, he pointed that out, it has
been on my mind as I observe my own relationships with boys and others as well.
I have discussed the topic with both girl and guy friends of my own to learn
more about friendships among the opposite sexes. I have even been reading a
book called, Single Men Are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like Spaghetti to
further my understanding of the differences between men and women. And as a
communications major, I have learned about the genderlect theory and how men
and women communicate.
In my Theories of Communication class, we learned about the
genderlect theory. It showed the different communication styles of men and
women. Men use a report style of talking. They use logic and arguments and they like to get straight to the point.
If you talk to a guy after he gets back from a date, he will more than likely
“report” to you getting straight to the point by giving you general and basic
info. This conversation will probably be short. Now women use a rapport style
of talking. They like to build relationships with people. When she gets back
from her date, she will probably tell you almost every detail down to what she
had to eat and as well as her date. She could be able to walk you through that
date step by step and she may even digress and talk about other things that may
relate to the date.
In Single Men Are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like
Spaghetti, they relate to men and women’s thinking and communicating processes
to the foods. Waffles have boxes. Boys like to stay in their set boxes when
they think and communicate. Women think and talk with all kinds of thoughts and
stories intertwining like spaghetti noodles. The authors, Bill and Pam Farrel,
used a good example of a conversation topic to show the differences between how
men and women communicate with each other. So you have two guys looking at a
Corvette. They can sit and talk about the Corvette for a long time. They would
prefer to keep it simple in their car “box” in their waffle. Now if a woman comes
up and joins the conversation with the men, she would probably start talking
about the car, and then the owner of the car and then soon she will probably be
talking about the owner’s wife and how she hasn’t hung out with her in ages and
that they should get pedicures sometime as she looks down at her feet and tries
to remember the last time she got one. This whole time, the men would have been
content with just staying on the topic of the car. They get overwhelmed with so
many topic changes, which can irritate them. Have you noticed that guys can
talk about something like sports for a long period of time? And they will stay
on the topic of sports. If you tell women to talk about sports, it probably
wouldn’t be very long before they start talking about a celebrity that is
dating an athlete and then the latest movie that celebrity was in and then they
mention the last movie they saw last week and how good it was and that they saw
a preview for the new Channing Tatum movie…see the difference?
As I have been learning more about men in books I have been
reading, I am learning more and more about how simple they can be. I thought it was perfect that in my daily
devotional book last week, Joyce Meyer talked about the differences between men
and women since I have been interested in writing about this topic. She said,
“Men are simple, whereas women are not simple, and they always assume that men
are just as complicated and intricate as they are. The whole point is that guys
don’t think deeply all the time like women do.” She points out that men like to
think about what is bothering them and women like to talk about it. When there
is a conflict, men like to get over it and move on and women like to talk about
it and figure out how to avoid it again. When you ask guys what they are
thinking and they tell you, “nothing,” that really can be true. Guys can sit,
watch TV and really think about nothing. Women have a hard time grasping this
concept because we are always constantly thinking and wanting to build intimate
relationships. So we find it hard to believe that it is possible to be content
and think about nothing, which can irritate us.
Problem: Communication conflicts
"I think we should be friends..."
I had one of my close guy friends, Nick Welker, give me his
point of view on friendships with the opposite sex. This gave me a guy’s
perspective on the topic. Here is the first part:
Just to start things off, guys and girls can be friends. I
know it’s possible. Because when we were all 5 and headed into kindergarten
before all the hormones and whatnot kicked in, we all had friends of the
opposite sex, and we didn’t think twice about it. But I assume the readers of
this blog are out of kindergarten at least, and hormones have ruined
everything. But in my experience, there are ways to be friends with the opposite
sex. I’ve got a few female friends. Actual friends, not just acquaintances. And
a few times, getting to the friend stage was a long, winding road of
awkwardness. But most of the time, in the end, it’s just another thing to laugh
at.
As I looked at my friendships with the boys in my life, I
noticed that I either had liked them at one point, they liked me, we had a
thing some time, or they were gay. There aren’t very many guy friends that I
have where we haven’t had some blurred line or a “winding road of awkwardness”
as Nick put it.
Nick continued…
I’m 23. So it’s not like I’ve had a lifetime of experience
with this stuff. I am in no way, shape, or form an expert on this. Believe me,
I wish I was.
First and foremost, if I find myself talking to a girl I
don’t find particularly attracted to, it’s way easier to be friends. Sad but
true. Not having sexual tension at all (at least on my end) works wonders for
forming an actual friendship.
If however, I do find myself introduced to a girl I find
attractive, and in the first few minutes we seem to get along well enough, I
know I want to try and explore the possibility of a romance. I’m pretty sure
that’s how most guys work. And as soon as that thought pops into a guys brain,
friend is the last word he wants to hear. I’ve had cases where I’d prefer not
to know the girl any more than to just be in the friend zone. Because the
friends zone is a terrible, no good place where a guy sits and is tortured by
knowing everything about what the girl does…with other guys.
I think this works well to support the YouTube video I had
mentioned in the beginning. Guys find it hard to be friends with girls
especially if they are attracted to them because they want to be more, there
can be that sexual tension, and they don’t want to hear about other guys. This
gives girls some reasons to understand why a guy might not want the friendship
with them.
I think it’s really just a matter of how you go about
things. I’m friends with girls I’ve dated and broken up with. I’m friends with girls
who I’ve wanted to date and haven’t, and I’m friends with girls who have wanted
to date me and didn’t get to. But there’s no reason to hold grudges about that
silly stuff. You we’re obviously drawn to that person by something in their
personality, otherwise you wouldn’t still be talking to them. So why wouldn’t
you want to be friends. It’s just like dating them, but you don’t have to deal
with all the craziness.
This sounds like my circle of guy friends like I had talked
about earlier. It almost seems that it is rare to have a friendship with the
opposite sex without some attraction, dating, relationship, or the like at some
point. It depends on the situation, feelings, emotions, and how you handle it
when it comes to whether or not you can be just friends.
Even Nick and I have had that winding road of awkwardness.
Here is his take on it:
As for Miss Rachel Marshall, the first thing that popped in
my mind when I saw her was “wow”. That is never a good sign for a guy. It
didn’t take long for me to get to know Rachel bit by bit and form some sort of
relationship with her. And, I might be entirely off base (but I know I’m not),
there was a mutual attraction thing going on between us. And after an awkward
incident, we sort of shifted our whole relationship. It turned into more of…not
brother and sister. That’s not right at all. I’m not sure the best way to
explain it. But for the remainder of the small portion of time where we both
went to the same school, it was really just us talking occasionally, occasionally
getting advice or just venting or talking about random shit at 2 in the
morning. We didn’t talk for awhile after I graduated, which is probably my
fault. But now, we text a decent amount, we’ve caught up on time missed, I know
what guys she likes and I’m giving her a guys opinion on her blog. So I’m
fairly certain we are friends.
We’ve known each other for about six years now. We went
through the talking, the awkwardness, and even went on a date. But now we are
good with just being friends. Sometimes to get to the same page and a happy
balance with each other, it takes a lot of time. It took about two years for
one of my first real boyfriends and I to be able to be friends once we had
split up. Now we can talk to each other about pretty much anything.
"I still want to be your friend."
I haven’t been entirely lucky to just be friends with guys.
I went on a couple dates with one and we texted non-stop when we first met, but
after I realized I didn’t feel the same way as him, I talked to him and wanted
for us to just be friends. But he felt that he couldn’t do that because of his
like for me. So we completely stopped talking altogether because he couldn’t
handle talking to me and didn’t know how to.
Things were turned around and I was recently put in a
situation with a guy telling me he wants us to be friends after we had liked
each other, talked almost every day, hung out, and even thought of a
relationship down the road. I was in the middle of thinking, discussing, and
learning about this very topic. Now I was faced with it. Will we be friends? I
wouldn’t be surprised if we became friends just because of the kind of people
we are. I think I just need to let my hurt feelings heal and have time away
from him first. Who knows, but I do know it can be possible if everything lines
up just right. Nothing blurry. We are still in our “winding road of
awkwardness.”
Nick had a very neat conclusion to his message to me about
this topic and I had to share it to get you thinking.
But the point is, we can coexist. It just takes work
sometimes.
Everyone is in such a rush to find the person they’re going to
marry, but right now, I’m more concerned with finding the people I’m going to
share that day with.
Now you know that there are differences in the way men and
women think and communicate. It is best to learn about these differences to
avoid conflict and misunderstanding. Joyce Meyer encourages this by reading
books about the differences. She concludes one of her daily devotions with,
“Understanding our differences helps us understand each other.” That’s what I
have been doing and I hope that it will strengthen me when it comes to my
friendships with the opposite sex and even in future relationships.
Just know that it can work, it just takes work...and maybe a little winding road of awkwardness. :)
A big thanks goes to Nick Welker for his contributions to this topic!
Sparkle & Shine,
Rachel
No comments:
Post a Comment