New Year, Better Me

Growing pains. And the year of short hair.

2015. Man, 2015 and I were close. We struggled a lot. And we also accomplished a lot. It's a year that will get that special distant smile from me whenever it's mentioned. 

At first, 2015 and I weren't getting along. Three months into it and I was about ready to chalk it up as the worst year yet. Let me try to paint the picture of what it was like with my words...

In January, I was completely unemployed. I had no source of income. I was now a full year into job searching. I was getting pissed. I had been a good kid that started to search even before graduating. Here I was, someone that graduated with honors and received a degree that is one of the most flexible ones you can get. Opportunities were supposed to be endless. I had worked harder outside of the classroom gaining real life experience while in college. Why the hell did I not have a job yet?

A couple weeks into the year, I experienced intense pain in my left breast where I had a cist. An abscess developed. I was put on antibiotics and was in bed in pain for a couple days trying to let it run its course. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In the meantime, I also had to schedule a biopsy to be done on my other breast that had a lump in it that my doctor wanted me to check out ASAP. My lady parts didn't like 2015 either at first. 

February rolled around and I was still jobless. I got really sick and it eventually led me to the emergency room when the minute clinic was worried about my tonsils. I was told I had tonsillitis and was given my second subscription for antibiotics. A weekend in bed was spent. 

March showed up and it felt like my tonsillitis was trying to show up again. I went to a throat, nose, and ear doctor whom told me that my tonsillitis actually never fully left. I essentially had tonsillitis for about a month and was prescribed my third round of antibiotics for the year. 

By March, I had spent more time on antibiotics than not.

Oh, and I was still jobless. I had spent a few weeks back at the golf course part time and despised it. When I wasn't there, I was at Starbucks applying for jobs and writing as much as I could. It was when I was seeing my doctor about my abscess that I got the email that Elite Daily wanted me to be a contributing writer. During my time of unemployment and sickness, I also had my first article published on Thought Catalog. When I was bed ridden with tonsillitis that first weekend, I developed my website that would be dedicated to my writing for online publications and blog. 

I seem to never want to be stagnant. 

I had even tried to apply for unemployment and got denied. I had to defer my student loans another six months because I still didn't have a job and a way to start paying my loans every month. I started to feel my 23-year-old bright wide eyes that once was excited about opportunity and what I could do with my education and experience become dull. I started to question whether I had done enough in college. Did I not do well enough? Was I just not enough?

In March, I was asked to come and do an after school talk with the girls of the debate/forensics team at my old high school. They wanted me to talk about women empowerment, self-confidence, self-esteem, and the like. I was pretty much doing a BUILD Beauty gig. And here I was in one heck of a low time in my life. I was a recent college graduate and not much to show for it yet.

But I put together a presentation, I pulled out raw poetry I made for writing classes in college and I went in and I did it. I dove in and I opened myself and my life up to these girls to hopefully somehow empower and inspire their young hearts and minds. It was probably the best day of 2015 yet. I went in an insecure girl with an uncertain life and left that afternoon feeling a lot more reassured. It was as if those girls reminded me that maybe I kind of do have some of my stuff together.

Then eventually good things started to happen.

A weekend after that talk I gave, I, in the most random way, meet a guy from Iowa. At that time, I would have no idea how life changing that night would be. I didn't know how special he would come to be to me.

By the end of April, I got an email letting me know I landed a contract position at Black & Veatch as an Event Coordinator and I was going to help them with their 100 Year Anniversary Celebration. I cried in the bathroom of the golf course as I called my parents to tell them the news.

May 1, I stepped foot in Black & Veatch and got my first taste in the corporate world. I finally had my first big girl job almost a full year after graduating college. It was a mind blowing experience. I still am not over it.

Once that came, my life went 1,000mph. 

I moved out and got an apartment with Anna. With the move, I decided to buy new bedroom furniture on my own and design what would become my new space.

I bought a new car for the first time ever.

Anna and I adopted a kitty. #Liza

On a whim, I booked a trip to Colorado on my own to visit a friend and to spend time in the mountains.

And then I started a new relationship with that Iowa boy I mentioned earlier.

I even got a new job. I had no idea whether or not Black & Veatch would extend full employment to me when my contract was up at the end of the year, so I felt the pressure to find something and I wanted something more permanent. Now I had big girl bills to pay. I needed to find something solid. And I am so glad and thankful I did as an Event Coordinator at Jack Stack Barbecue.

I like to think I ended 2015 strong. As 2016 has greeted me, I have reflected on 2015 and what I want to accomplish and do in 2016. Jordan and I were talking about our goals for the year and he had thrown out the go-to phrase, "New Year, New You."

And I said, "Nah, I am thinking more 'New Year, Better Me.'"

When I think about last year, I feel like I exhausted the word, new. It was all about the new job, new apartment, new car, new cat, new job again, new boyfriend. It was all new, new, new. I am happy I was able to say it so much in 2015, but it's not going to be the theme so much in 2016. It's going to be better. Now that I have all these new things and have gotten to where I am today, I am at the point of, okay, now how the hell do I manage all this?!

My goals and desires for 2016 is to be and do better. I want to be better with money. Have a better diet. Learn how to be better at my job. Just be a better person. I've been working hard to establish myself and now I want to learn how to do all these big girl things better. And I already have some plans of action. ;)

As I wind down this post, I can't help but be overwhelmed with how crazy it is that my life has changed so much in a year. I am sitting at my desk in my room in my apartment I didn't have then and I have the lamp on. I had bought it for my cube when I worked at Black & Veatch in which I hadn't experienced yet a year ago. There is a picture of Jordan and I from my first Iowa State game. I still hadn't met him yet a year ago either. I have business cards from my current job next to that. All of this didn't exist a year ago. What a way to come in just a year.

Imagine what you can do. Don't give up. You might get pissed. You might not feel like enough. But you will eventually be happy. And you are enough. Even if sweet high school girls gently remind you one day. :) Just keep going. Please.

My 24-year-old eyes feel wide and sparkly again.