When Sadness Knocks

This may seem weird for some of you to think about, but sometimes, I get sad. At the end of August, some of you may remember, I posted on my social media pages that I was taking a little break away from it because I was having a tough time. I talked about it a bit in my post, “Bare.” It was on that day, my friend from Ohio had texted me asking what was wrong because she knew something had to have been pretty bad because I never post anything negative.

Years ago, I became a firm believer of the power of positive thinking. Whenever negativity comes my way, I do my best not to waste too much of my breath on it, let alone a Facebook status. I know a lot of people use Facebook and Twitter to vent, put their drama out there, air out dirty laundry, etc. I think a lot of people can agree that there is a lot of negative energy that clutter our newsfeeds, timelines, and walls, and I don’t like to contribute to that. I talk to friends and family when times get tough and I usually write about it. I have posted a lot of different things on my blog that have been hard on me because I think it is important and people can relate. But with my blog, it’s personal and people make the personal choice to take the next step and go to it to read.

So when my friend texted me that, it confirmed to me that it has worked. These little ideas of positivity have become a good foundation for myself. It has become a lifestyle and who I am. But maybe I was too good at it. Maybe people think I am incapable of being sad. So in September, when things became dark for me, it opened me up even more. It made me confront sadness and I knew I had to share it.

I tend to write about bad experiences as the past. I usually have something I learned from it and I put my positive light on it. But I wanted to write about this more recent. Where it’s a bit more raw. I think this is an important thing because we may not confront it enough. As I am writing this, I have a somewhat uneasy feeling. I am shedding light on a dark topic and admitting to a struggle I had. It’s hard.

In September, I started dealing with sadness. That’s what I call it. It wasn’t due to one particular thing. Sometimes I didn’t even know why I was sad at a particular moment and others, I could tell you what was wrong.

The road to the pageant started becoming harder. I started working out more. When I wasn’t working, I felt like I was working on me in some kind of aspect. Weekends became me working and then going to dinner alone before I hit up the gym. I started doing a lot of things alone. But I have reminded myself that this is what I should be doing. It’s part of the process. It was just an adjustment I needed to make and I have finally gotten used to it.

I also do miss people in my life. Healing from a break up doesn’t happen in a week. And missing someone you shared a room with for 3 years is normal. It’s all adjustments. But things that were all happening at once. I also might have had some hormonal imbalances that were triggering it due to medication. So let’s say, it wasn’t a fun combo.

For a couple weeks, it felt as if every day there would be a wave of sadness that would come out of nowhere and wash over me. I would be fine and then it would come and I would let it have me and then it would go away. I cried on the way home from work one night. I became stressed one day after trying to find dresses and cried while folding laundry. One night I hurried to bed because I was about to break. I let it all out and cried and cried and cried. And I wrote. I wrote a poem that I am including in this post.

I talked to people during this tough time. When a wave would come on, I would text a friend. I tried to be open about it with people and admit that it was happening. It was a weird experience and I feel as if I have a better understanding of sadness. How it really can take a toll on you.

When I was telling my old boss about it, he said, “What? That’s not you.” I am glad people can recognize that. As much as I try to keep my world full of glitter and kittens, I know that I am human. And humans feel sadness. We all do. We should all be able to admit to it. And we should be able to talk about it. People and things can help. I was just in the middle of a storm in September. October has been a lot better. We should all know that things get better. J

When Sadness Knocks

Sadness,

            Come in.

You can’t stay for long

because I’m tired.

That’s the only reason

why you got through the door.

I’m tired of fighting you;

I can’t kick any longer.

My arms are heavy from holding you.

I’ll give you a minute

            [not a second longer]

to hug me and let your darkness

drape over my shoulders.

Whisper the names of the people I miss.

Show me memories I long for

and the love I can’t get back.

Take my tears as tokens.

My pain can be your prize.

So go along now.

You had your time.

Don’t come back soon.

I’m building a bigger door.

---Rachel

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel