Fall has proven to be the most bitter, but also the sweetest season for me. As much as I love to feel the change in the air as it turns crisp on my face, it also reminds me of the pain I've experienced the past few years during this time.
Having my heart broken, experiencing a death that still feels too fresh, feeling lost, being unhappy. But it's tied to memories of making history, being crowned Homecoming Queen at a University that captured my heart, accomplishing huge feats, and well...being happy.
I've experienced the most extreme emotions on each side of the scale in this season. It can be overwhelming to feel them both at the same time.
This time is no different. It started brewing toward the end of August when I had adopted a cat with Anna, got my first major credit card, and bought my first car all in one week. I started enduring a lot of growing pains and the real world started to take its toll on me.
I've been one to run myself ragged and one Friday, I had to cancel plans with a friend because I was so drained and unhappy, that I needed some time with
myself. Around that same time, I had gone outside of work to call my mom and ended up crying and breaking down because I was utterly overwhelmed and to the point that I was starting to become sick due to stress. I had to take the afternoon off of work to personally take care of myself.
September seemed to have a theme that anything and everything would go wrong. Things weren't working like they should be and processes weren't going smoothly. Stuff just
wasn't going right.
Yet again, before dinner at my parents, after filling out tedious paperwork, I broke down in tears when I told my mom that my pay day was messed up and I was only paid for the week of labor day instead of the two weeks I should have been paid for. I was going to have to wait another couple weeks until my next pay day to get it all corrected. That labor day week wasn't even going to cover rent and my student loan bill I had due the coming days. I crunched numbers, I used savings, I budgeted, and I said
no to things. I
made it work.
I've wanted to write about those tough times for awhile because we tend to post our highlight reels on social media. Rarely, do we, and especially myself, like to admit when we are struggling or just simply unhappy. But we are human. Things happen. And that's okay.
My Instagram doesn't show you when I am sad or crying it out.
Luckily, I am a firm believer in balance. There was no way I would continue to have
shitty challenging stuff piling on my plate forever. Thankfully, October has deemed itself a happier month.
With the stress and unhappy emotions I was dealing with, I was glad to be going out of town for a vacation I knew I would later thank myself for booking on a whim. I didn't tell many people. I didn't make it a huge deal. I wanted it to be more of my own. My personal vacation. On a Wednesday night, I walked down the dark halls of MCI and flew out to Colorado.
I stayed with a good friend and spent the weekend in Estes Park. I hiked for the first time (5 hours, I might add!) and I was happy to do so in the Rocky Mountains. During college, I noticed that nature seemed to have a healing power over my soul whenever I was in a busy season or having a hard time. I could take a deep breath as I was surrounded my grass, trees, mountains, and I could just
be.
My makeup didn't leave my bag once. The dresses I packed stayed folded. Heck, I didn't even shave once. I worked on 4 different poems. I started a book and got to page 100 by the end of the trip, which is a huge feat for me. I got to hang out with myself. I got to cry. And write more. I drank wine. I ate s'mores. I played games. And wrote some more.
During my trip, I was also visited with my high school English teacher. It had been years. Within minutes of seeing her, she said, "I have a book for you" and handed it to me to take. We talked for an hour and by the end, I felt like I took a shot of life--straight; with no chasers. My soul felt renewed and refreshed from being around a past piece of myself. A woman whom I realized was one of the first influences to my feminist nature.
We discussed books, education, racial issues, and she thanked me for not having kids just yet.
Between her and the nature, it was like I used pine needles to insert
life back into my veins. As I walked the trails, I kept opening my
spirit and telling inspiration and ideas that I am open for service and I
wanted their biz. I drank and ate the rocks, the water, the mountains
and everything in between so I could fuel my soul as much as possible.
I was no longer feeling stagnant. I arrived at the Denver airport in a long sleeve, yoga pants, tall Nike socks, no make up, hair in a low bun, and I took myself to a restaurant & brewery and while I waited for my flight, I indulged on wings and a big tall beer. Because I could. Because I wanted to.
Traveling and going through an airport alone is one thing that just really excites me inside. I feel like I walk a little taller and there is an extra pep in my step. It's a form of freedom that's hard to explain. While I was hiking the mountains, I was sort of in awe of my life and myself in that moment.
I am not defined by someone else. There wasn't permission that I needed granted in order to be there. I paid my ticket. I was doing what I wanted. Because I could. Because I wanted to. And that felt quite empowering.
Life is tough. And they aren't trying to yank your chain about the real world. Believe them on that one. Shake things up. Go to a different place for a bit. Renew, recharge, refresh. The seasons help with that. They are gentle reminders that we need change. Fall and I have a special bond. She tells me with her crisp breeze on my face.
From your Rocky Mountain Mermaid,
