Journal Scribble: Needing [& Wanting] Passion

June 1 – My bed

Sometimes I wonder if people think I don’t have feelings. That maybe I’ve been hurt enough to where I’ve turned cold. Or that maybe I am so strong with both feet planted in my beliefs, feelings, and opinions. Maybe that I am stone that never crumbles. That I am never shaken. And that I am one solid Single Woman. I mean, I can be pretty fabulous, but I can also, simply, be a girl.

Yes, I’ve been hurt and sometimes I feel cold. There are times I feel strong, but like any other girl, I can crumble. I can be shaken as much as I can be stone. I can want things and sometimes maybe I need them. I feel things just like you.

…

May 25 – My bed

I need passion. The burning red, burning bright, burning hot kind. I want feelings surging through me and butterflies flying all over my stomach. I want the uncontrollable smile and laughter I can barely contain. I want sweaty palms and anticipation. I want to make out for an hour. I want the breeze of a rainstorm on my face. I want the high. I want to catch him looking at me in that certain kind of way. I want the head over heels, lovey dovey stuff. I want the I miss yous and the when am I going to see yous? I want the long see you laters and goodnights. The hand holding and random kisses. The little names and snuggles on the couch. The can’t stop thinking about him kind of mind. Cute flirty texts and late night phone calls. I want it all.

I want to feel what it is like to be absolutely adored by someone special.

Journal Scribble: I Miss You

January 27 -- My bed

I don’t really know who I miss. Or what I miss. Or where I miss. The more people I meet, the more places I go, the more things I experience; the more I miss. Sometimes I think about how I always will be constantly missing someone, somewhere, something. Maybe it’s a thing that happens when your heart is real big.

I Miss You.

I Miss You by Blink 182 has been a favorite song of mine since about the 6^th grade. It’s a song that has been part of numerous stages, people, and moments in my life. A lot of songs are tied to people, places, and things, but this one has the most wear. It started in middle school when I would listen to it over and over again thinking about my crush and wishing he would notice me. When I daydreamed about what my first kiss would be like. In high school, I would listen to it and think about how much I missed the boy I screwed things up with. The first one I loved or at least what my high school heart could handle. I would visit it in college and a lot of times I wrote with it on repeat. I’ve fantasized about slow dancing to it with a boy. My insides move and my eyes close when Mark sings, “Wish this never ends” and the music swells. I went on a date in college at this place outside of town and had a delicious dinner followed by a couple drinks in a dive bar. He drove us back to town and on the dark country road we found out how much we both like Blink 182. We both sang along to it and that night would be the first time he kissed me. I’ve had tears in my eyes when Tom Delonge asks, “Will you come home and stop this pain tonight, stop this pain tonight?” I’ve probably listened to it more than 1,000 times over the years and that is not an exaggeration. As I sit here writing with it on repeat, I’m still not sure who I miss, what I miss, or where I miss. But I do know I’m always missing something.

Journal Scribble: I Am Glitter

February 9    …    My bed

I am like glitter.

Once I’ve entered your life, it’s kind of hard to get rid of me all the way. fully. I am sort of…everywhere. I’m right here, and on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I’m on Snapchat. Forever floating on the Internet in posts, pictures, videos, articles. At ESU, I was everywhere on campus, at events, on postcards, and posters, and on the website. I was seen in offices and in bars. I was at games and at dinners. Emporia was small enough and I was known enough that I told a boy once that you can’t really escape me. If I had a fall out with anyone, be prepared to continually see me and run into me. That’s just how it goes. Even after leaving ESU and Emporia, I still visit from time to time and I appear in those offices and in those bars once again. I can’t seem to fully go away for good. Same with Kansas City. I’m always here and around on social media too. And maybe you’ll find those stray pieces of glitter randomly in a place, a song, a scent, a phrase, food you’ve shared with me, or a moment in a memory that comes back to you. I’m always here and around. I’m the glitter in the air and the random one you find on your pillow or the passenger seat of your car. I always seem to leave a little trail behind.

…

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

facebook.com/glitterandthegirlygirl

theglitterylife.com

Journal Scribbles: Pages

January 4   - - -   My bed                                                                     

It was a moment where I was alone in the relationship. He just happened to be sleeping inches from me. We were never on the same page. We spent a lot of our time trying to convince the other to hop on ours. We tried to explain why it was a good idea and how it made sense. We were never going to be on the same pages. We would always be in different places. Even if we were in the same bed.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife