When Sadness Knocks

This may seem weird for some of you to think about, but sometimes, I get sad. At the end of August, some of you may remember, I posted on my social media pages that I was taking a little break away from it because I was having a tough time. I talked about it a bit in my post, “Bare.” It was on that day, my friend from Ohio had texted me asking what was wrong because she knew something had to have been pretty bad because I never post anything negative.

Years ago, I became a firm believer of the power of positive thinking. Whenever negativity comes my way, I do my best not to waste too much of my breath on it, let alone a Facebook status. I know a lot of people use Facebook and Twitter to vent, put their drama out there, air out dirty laundry, etc. I think a lot of people can agree that there is a lot of negative energy that clutter our newsfeeds, timelines, and walls, and I don’t like to contribute to that. I talk to friends and family when times get tough and I usually write about it. I have posted a lot of different things on my blog that have been hard on me because I think it is important and people can relate. But with my blog, it’s personal and people make the personal choice to take the next step and go to it to read.

So when my friend texted me that, it confirmed to me that it has worked. These little ideas of positivity have become a good foundation for myself. It has become a lifestyle and who I am. But maybe I was too good at it. Maybe people think I am incapable of being sad. So in September, when things became dark for me, it opened me up even more. It made me confront sadness and I knew I had to share it.

I tend to write about bad experiences as the past. I usually have something I learned from it and I put my positive light on it. But I wanted to write about this more recent. Where it’s a bit more raw. I think this is an important thing because we may not confront it enough. As I am writing this, I have a somewhat uneasy feeling. I am shedding light on a dark topic and admitting to a struggle I had. It’s hard.

In September, I started dealing with sadness. That’s what I call it. It wasn’t due to one particular thing. Sometimes I didn’t even know why I was sad at a particular moment and others, I could tell you what was wrong.

The road to the pageant started becoming harder. I started working out more. When I wasn’t working, I felt like I was working on me in some kind of aspect. Weekends became me working and then going to dinner alone before I hit up the gym. I started doing a lot of things alone. But I have reminded myself that this is what I should be doing. It’s part of the process. It was just an adjustment I needed to make and I have finally gotten used to it.

I also do miss people in my life. Healing from a break up doesn’t happen in a week. And missing someone you shared a room with for 3 years is normal. It’s all adjustments. But things that were all happening at once. I also might have had some hormonal imbalances that were triggering it due to medication. So let’s say, it wasn’t a fun combo.

For a couple weeks, it felt as if every day there would be a wave of sadness that would come out of nowhere and wash over me. I would be fine and then it would come and I would let it have me and then it would go away. I cried on the way home from work one night. I became stressed one day after trying to find dresses and cried while folding laundry. One night I hurried to bed because I was about to break. I let it all out and cried and cried and cried. And I wrote. I wrote a poem that I am including in this post.

I talked to people during this tough time. When a wave would come on, I would text a friend. I tried to be open about it with people and admit that it was happening. It was a weird experience and I feel as if I have a better understanding of sadness. How it really can take a toll on you.

When I was telling my old boss about it, he said, “What? That’s not you.” I am glad people can recognize that. As much as I try to keep my world full of glitter and kittens, I know that I am human. And humans feel sadness. We all do. We should all be able to admit to it. And we should be able to talk about it. People and things can help. I was just in the middle of a storm in September. October has been a lot better. We should all know that things get better. J

When Sadness Knocks

Sadness,

            Come in.

You can’t stay for long

because I’m tired.

That’s the only reason

why you got through the door.

I’m tired of fighting you;

I can’t kick any longer.

My arms are heavy from holding you.

I’ll give you a minute

            [not a second longer]

to hug me and let your darkness

drape over my shoulders.

Whisper the names of the people I miss.

Show me memories I long for

and the love I can’t get back.

Take my tears as tokens.

My pain can be your prize.

So go along now.

You had your time.

Don’t come back soon.

I’m building a bigger door.

---Rachel

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

Laying Down the Labels

I was sitting in the General Council’s office at Emporia State telling him different things that were on my mind that I wanted to write about. I told him I was thinking about labels. That I have been labeled quite a bit and that recently people are trying to add a shiny new one: pageant girl. He swiveled in his chair and said, “Here, do you want my label maker?” and handed over the imaginary object. We laughed.

For starters, I am going to throw out the obvious and admit I’ve actually labeled myself: The Girly Girl. It’s what this whole blog was sort of built upon. The notion of me being a girly girl and learning things so I can write about it. I do write about some pretty girly things from time to time, but have enjoyed writing about no-so-girly things that males can even read and take something from.

And yes, there are labels that have been easy to embrace. I AM A HORNET. I was part of the “I am a Hornet” campaign at Emporia State and can be seen advertising it. I will proudly say I am a writer and that I am a Dotte Original.

But has anyone actually felt the pressures their labels can have? I have. I have chosen and put myself in positions where I feel a responsibility to my labels. I was an Ambassador at Emporia State University and we were expected to be in good standing and not do anything such as drink while wearing Ambassador or ESU apparel. We were the “faces of ESU” and needed to make sure to be good students. In Blue Key, with it’s prestige and huge elitist reputation in ESU history, we were expected to do things the Blue Key way: professional and with class. And expanding even further, I sometimes step back and try to think what my labels can do. With technology, social media, and this blog, I try to stay as cautious as I can about how I carry myself as well in person. It’s easier for people to have access to me and know my labels. I am a Dotte girl, Sumner Sabre, and ESU Hornet. I somewhat feel obligated to be the best I can be so as to have a good reflection on these labels.

There are touchy labels too. Some have labeled me as a feminist while others have tried to convince me I am not when I have tried to embrace it.

Then there are the labels that have caused a stirring, hurt me, and made me shed a few tears. Ones I can’t really completely control. Countless times, I was pegged to be a sorority girl and a lot of times people assumed I was in a specific one due to my involvement at the university. I would try to take it in stride, correct people, and keep a positive image for myself, the sorority, and Greek Life. I had no issues with Greek Life, it was just a personal choice I made not to join that sorority. Even still, I had received some backlash from them. So I was to consider myself a GDI (God Damn Independent). I nervously wrote an article embracing the label and standing up for others in my position. I still received backlash. Those are the labels in which I felt like no matter if I had actually joined or not, it would sort of haunt me.

Now I am trying to figure out what in the world does being a “pageant girl” even mean? This is going to be my first big pageant that I am competing in and I am still learning the ropes. This week at Homecoming, I tried to use it as practice for the pageant by dressing up, practicing my hair and make up, and wearing high heels a lot. I admitted to a couple friends that I might actually feel/look like a pageant girl when I was all dressed up. But I am still not fully convinced. I still don’t think I know what it means or entails and that I won’t until after the competition is all said and done. So until then, I will be experimenting and playing around with this label. And I plan on having fun with it.

As I was thinking about this topic and what I wanted to write, I knew I wanted to have some kind of conclusion or resolution. In the Emporia State ads, they would always end with, “My name is Rachel and I am a Hornet.” I like the idea that the label isn’t the end all and be all of who we are. It comes second. I am Rachel and I am a Hornet. If I have to accept being labeled and deal the stereotypes and stigmas that can go with it, I don’t have to let it make or break me. We shouldn’t let it consume our whole being. I figured out that the most important label that I tend to forget is straight up, Rachel Marshall. Whenever I get overwhelmed or maybe hurt, I should remind myself of my favorite label and just be the best dang Rachel Marshall. She encompasses all of them into one and that just seems so much simpler.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

#TheSW30 - 2. Carrie Bradshaw

What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

It was a big moment when I first started watching Sex & The City and I realized, that's me. Not only was I connecting with the characters, the situations they were going through, and learning along with them, there is one particular character I identify the most with and that is, Carrie Bradshaw. 

The most obvious similarity between Carrie and I is our passion for writing. She writes the column, Sex & The City for a New York newspaper. (If I were to get a gig such as that, it would be a dream come true!) Our love of all things girly is pretty evident too. One of my favorite quotes from her is…

It reminds me of my closet I have in my room just for my dresses and heels. :)

...

It seems as though we both experience outrageous situations that just happen, make mistakes, have a messy time with guys, get our heart's broken, have movie moments, have amazing girlfriends, and more. And we both love learning from it all and writing about it. To share to the world, but also as a way to learn a little more about life. She has such an outgoing, funny, witty, girly, spirit that I identify with and she puts it all into great writing. This is one of my favorite quotes from her. 

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

#TheSW30 - 1. Where You are in Life

Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

If you had asked me as I was about to start my sophomore year in college, where I would be in the Fall of 2014, I would have told you that I would be engaged and planning a wedding to my high school sweetheart and that hopefully I was a speech teacher and forensics coach at a high school. Kids would probably be in my mind in the next year or two. We would already have potential names picked out. I was set and good to go. It was all planned out.

Where I actually am in Fall 2014: I am single, not a teacher or forensics coach, I am still growing, and not ready just yet for kids soon.

I’ve gone back to that time in my life when I thought I had the future planned out and now I kind of get this feeling of suffocation. It looks like I was boxing myself in from a lot of things and a lot of potential. There was going to be a point when I would become stuck. Another scary thought is, I was seriously thinking and basing really big decisions, such as my major in college, on visions of a future that were about as solid as thin air. I was starting to create dreams that actually weren’t really all the way mine and I would tie them to someone who could easily cut them off and take them away with him. And that’s exactly what he did.

But, it was one of the best things to happen to me yet.

Since I was so wrapped up in that relationship for so long, I always thought about us, we, and him. There was barely anymore me, myself, and I. After having my world turned upside down, it was finally when I became stripped down, raw, and down to it, just Rachel Marshall. I had my identity back. The whiteboard was erased and I started living and growing on my own scribbling dreams and taking notes.

I can say 100% confidently that my life is way more beautiful and exciting than I had imagined for myself back then and that is a wonderful feeling. It’s been a great lesson for me to learn that I can’t possibly plan everything and whatever I try to vision for my future is most likely going to be different, but even better. Had things worked out the way I had planned, I would have missed out on amazing adventures, fun late nights, awesome trips, mistakes that were made, lessons that were learned, friendships that were formed, and heartaches that were felt. Those magical movie moments and poems that I’ve written would not have existed. I probably wouldn't have held the leadership roles that I held. I wouldn't have stretched myself to my fullest potential. I wouldn’t be competing in Miss Kansas USA. Probably wouldn’t be doing things I love. Now that’s a scary feeling. I am thankful that things happen for a reason and for all the things that have happened to me all the way up to this point in my life.

I would pick where I am today over where I thought I would be right now every damn time.

I have liked this quote for quite some time now. It shows me that I can't possibly plan every single thing. And I must say that the life I had waiting for me in 2011 was bitter at first, but turned into the sweetest thing ever. I am glad I learned to let go.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

My Balcony

Last week, I went to Emporia for a project that is in the works and to visit Anna. That night, there were storms that came to town. I was in the apartment and had to go to the balcony to check out the pouring rain like I used to do when I lived there. I stepped outside and when the cool breeze hit me in the face, it also hit me inside what an important part the balcony had been while I lived in Emporia. Memories came rushing to me. I could see the people that have walked up and down the stairs. Then the rain poured harder. So I knew I had to visit the past and write. 

My Balcony

My college apartment balcony gave me three years of memories,

which I have boxed in my heart and simply labeled, “my balcony.”

It played a pivotal role in my college days & [magical] & [harder] nights.

I’ve watched storms roll through Emporia from there

and I’ve written poetry about it too.

Tears have rolled from my cheeks and onto the pavement.

There was the night Jade and I marveled at the humungous moon;

the beautiful summer we became dear friends.

The first night Anna and I spent with our honorary roommate, Cory,

was there while he drank with Josiah. They put the cans in the plant at the bottom.

Josiah and I became friends at the bottom of those stairs too

when we talked for hours the first night we met.

Boys have climbed those stairs to get to me.

I’ve sat with them to talk.

One kissed me there for the first time

        and I’ve had last kisses on that balcony too.

I sat there when I was locked out one night.

I ate hot Cheetos and watched baseball boys and frat guys almost fight.

Hard phone calls were made there.

Leftover Chinese food was enjoyed around 3am after a night at the bars

in my t-shirt and underwear the summer I lived alone.

The trains could be heard.

Long conversations took place.

There I watched them walk away.

I went up those stairs when the sun was coming up after spending the night

talking and slow dancing with someone in the middle of the football field.

I crawled up to the balcony when the stairs couldn't be seen from under the snow.

I went down them on weekend nights, dressed up, ready to have a good time

after a busy week anticipating what was to be in store for me.

Pictures have been taken there;

        usually moments of fashion and before big events.

I consumed chocolate milk there after a good sweaty run.

Anna and I sat outside with our new fish on a pretty day.

I can still see him coming up the stairs.

I remember the couple times we came to them and I was still wondering

if this was the moment he was finally going to make the move.

My feelings and emotions love that balcony.

So many days and nights, I stepped out onto it,

         whether I wanted to or not,

ready to take on the world, willing to take chances, okay with making mistakes.

This picture was taken almost one year ago before I went to the Blue Key induction and reunion during Homecoming week when I was nominated for royalty. It was the day after a huge event I had planned took place and the same night I found out someone who had impacted my life had taken his own life. Someone who had walked up and down those stairs too. It was a roller coaster of emotions and one of those tough times I had to keep going and walk out onto that balcony and into the world. Glad to have this picture as a reminder. 

Sparkle&Shine.
Rachel