Mean

It feels as though I escaped middle school and high school with mild bullying, mean girls, and drama. There were some and it probably felt big at the time, but mostly, I feel pretty lucky that it wasn’t worse then. It was the last couple years of college that I actually felt like I had a target on me and I had a hard time coping with it at first. I was living the single life, experiencing some success, and I felt pretty exposed in all sorts of ways. My life was now out there and free to judge. People made negative comments about certain blog posts I had written and others had made jabs at me personally in organizations. I overheard insults and I had friends flat out tell me specific people didn’t like me. An article I had written for my opinion column caused a pretty big stir too. I had actually stood up for myself and others like me. But not everyone liked it. The biggest common denominators though have been the fact that they are usually girls and they don't know me personally. Some never even had a conversation with me. Which is crazy to think you could evoke strong emotions from someone without saying a word.

I have let it hurt my feelings. I cried. I’ve even sometimes looked at my success as a negative thing. I remember moping around my apartment one Sunday afternoon. And I remember talking to my sister about it and her telling me, well you know, you should expect it when you put yourself out there like that. It was something I pretty much knew, but had more weight hearing her say it. It was something I needed to learn. If I wanted to keep up with my passion of writing and let people have access to my mind and personal life, I needed to get used to the critics. That’s just something that comes with writing, social media, and putting yourself out there in general. Most of the time, you draw on your personal experiences. It’s the positive feedback that beats out the negative for me though. Receiving messages from others that they appreciate my writing, inspire or motivate them, is a huge part of why I even write at all. A lot of us go through the same things, have the same problems, questions, and wonder. I just put it into words for people. But I also know I am not the voice of everybody.

Online comment from a stranger in response to my GDI article. Was told to remember who I am and not to advocate for others. Also, first time I've had the "people like you" phrase used against me. Article can be accessed here: GDI Article 

As for the mean people, they don’t go away. They are around at age 15, 22, 34, 58, and so on. I accepted the fact that not everyone is going to be a fan of Rachel Marshall. That’s okay. And I also have to remind myself, that I shouldn’t harp so much on the people that don’t like me and spend more time appreciating, laughing with, and having fun with the ones that do. I eventually sat down and removed anybody on social media that I felt put negativity in my life. I didn’t want reminders of them and I didn’t want them to have access to my life anymore. And it feels good.

I like the notion that maybe a reason people don’t like you is the fact that you are doing something and sometimes maybe it’s exactly right. I hate that I actually had moments of resentment of my success when I felt so exposed. I should never apologize for doing good things, achieving goals, and chasing my dreams. We shouldn't let them take the 'power' out of our empowerment. I'm still wondering why girls don't cheer on other girls more than tearing them down. Let's be thankful for the ones that do. 

If you are ever having a rough day, jamming out to “Mean” by Taylor Swift might help just a little bit! :) 

And for the poetic people, here are a couple poems I worked on in response to the tough times I had with negative people.

Drunken Insults

You made yourself look bad

when trying to make me look worse.

I’m surrounded by a circle

you can’t break through.

Add to the scars,

try to reach my heart.

I won’t let you touch it.

Your shots will be blocked,

your words won’t be forgotten.

Say what you want;

but I know better.

Light the match and start the fire.

I’ll warm my hands in your cold world.

I’m cozy.

Not going anywhere.

My friends brought blankets.

So we’ll keep drinking.

…

Endless Possibilities

I’ll walk away from the crowded

arena of people. The ones that are fake

and talk about me. The jealous girls

and the mean fashion. The boys

that made me feel something, but meant

nothing. The ones that left my heart confused

and my feelings feeling hurt.

I’m walking away burned.

Not looking down at the bruises.

Letting go of the ties wrapped around me.

They fell to the ground. The same one

I used to kiss. It was all lust, wasn’t it?

I’m walking towards something better.

I’m no longer confined. Not blind to the games

played in the arena. I’ve rubbed off

the stigma and dropped the bricks to my walls.

The arena can keep them. They can build

their dreams on fictitious foundation.

I’ll walk away. All the way until I’m natural again.

Wipe my slate until it’s clean.

Let me flaws shine free.

Even if it’s just my heart and me,

I’ll tell her all about the endless possibilities.

One of the many reasons why I write & put myself out there. I'll keep exploring and I will write on. Thank you :) 

Sparkle & Shine.
Rachel