Mean

It feels as though I escaped middle school and high school with mild bullying, mean girls, and drama. There were some and it probably felt big at the time, but mostly, I feel pretty lucky that it wasn’t worse then. It was the last couple years of college that I actually felt like I had a target on me and I had a hard time coping with it at first. I was living the single life, experiencing some success, and I felt pretty exposed in all sorts of ways. My life was now out there and free to judge. People made negative comments about certain blog posts I had written and others had made jabs at me personally in organizations. I overheard insults and I had friends flat out tell me specific people didn’t like me. An article I had written for my opinion column caused a pretty big stir too. I had actually stood up for myself and others like me. But not everyone liked it. The biggest common denominators though have been the fact that they are usually girls and they don't know me personally. Some never even had a conversation with me. Which is crazy to think you could evoke strong emotions from someone without saying a word.

I have let it hurt my feelings. I cried. I’ve even sometimes looked at my success as a negative thing. I remember moping around my apartment one Sunday afternoon. And I remember talking to my sister about it and her telling me, well you know, you should expect it when you put yourself out there like that. It was something I pretty much knew, but had more weight hearing her say it. It was something I needed to learn. If I wanted to keep up with my passion of writing and let people have access to my mind and personal life, I needed to get used to the critics. That’s just something that comes with writing, social media, and putting yourself out there in general. Most of the time, you draw on your personal experiences. It’s the positive feedback that beats out the negative for me though. Receiving messages from others that they appreciate my writing, inspire or motivate them, is a huge part of why I even write at all. A lot of us go through the same things, have the same problems, questions, and wonder. I just put it into words for people. But I also know I am not the voice of everybody.

Online comment from a stranger in response to my GDI article. Was told to remember who I am and not to advocate for others. Also, first time I've had the "people like you" phrase used against me. Article can be accessed here: GDI Article 

As for the mean people, they don’t go away. They are around at age 15, 22, 34, 58, and so on. I accepted the fact that not everyone is going to be a fan of Rachel Marshall. That’s okay. And I also have to remind myself, that I shouldn’t harp so much on the people that don’t like me and spend more time appreciating, laughing with, and having fun with the ones that do. I eventually sat down and removed anybody on social media that I felt put negativity in my life. I didn’t want reminders of them and I didn’t want them to have access to my life anymore. And it feels good.

I like the notion that maybe a reason people don’t like you is the fact that you are doing something and sometimes maybe it’s exactly right. I hate that I actually had moments of resentment of my success when I felt so exposed. I should never apologize for doing good things, achieving goals, and chasing my dreams. We shouldn't let them take the 'power' out of our empowerment. I'm still wondering why girls don't cheer on other girls more than tearing them down. Let's be thankful for the ones that do. 

If you are ever having a rough day, jamming out to “Mean” by Taylor Swift might help just a little bit! :) 

And for the poetic people, here are a couple poems I worked on in response to the tough times I had with negative people.

Drunken Insults

You made yourself look bad

when trying to make me look worse.

I’m surrounded by a circle

you can’t break through.

Add to the scars,

try to reach my heart.

I won’t let you touch it.

Your shots will be blocked,

your words won’t be forgotten.

Say what you want;

but I know better.

Light the match and start the fire.

I’ll warm my hands in your cold world.

I’m cozy.

Not going anywhere.

My friends brought blankets.

So we’ll keep drinking.

…

Endless Possibilities

I’ll walk away from the crowded

arena of people. The ones that are fake

and talk about me. The jealous girls

and the mean fashion. The boys

that made me feel something, but meant

nothing. The ones that left my heart confused

and my feelings feeling hurt.

I’m walking away burned.

Not looking down at the bruises.

Letting go of the ties wrapped around me.

They fell to the ground. The same one

I used to kiss. It was all lust, wasn’t it?

I’m walking towards something better.

I’m no longer confined. Not blind to the games

played in the arena. I’ve rubbed off

the stigma and dropped the bricks to my walls.

The arena can keep them. They can build

their dreams on fictitious foundation.

I’ll walk away. All the way until I’m natural again.

Wipe my slate until it’s clean.

Let me flaws shine free.

Even if it’s just my heart and me,

I’ll tell her all about the endless possibilities.

One of the many reasons why I write & put myself out there. I'll keep exploring and I will write on. Thank you :) 

Sparkle & Shine.
Rachel 

Conversations with People Off Limits

What do you do when you want to talk to someone specifically, but the bridge between you burned? One night this last semester, I had an urge to talk to someone no longer in my life. It got me thinking and a little fascinated. It's amazing how a person that knew you so well and could talk to about anything became off limits. These people exist out there, but we feel like we can't talk to them because of this invisible wall of hurt, feelings, emotions, and memories. Why do we feel this way? Time and events cluttered our hearts and took away conversations and friends. I wondered what it would be like to call these people and just talked. Not about the past or anything that happened between us, but just to have a conversation. Why do we let it stop us? What would happen if we actually did pick up the phone and call?

Recently, I did get to have a conversation with one of those people that had felt off limits. And we didn't talk about the past between us, but rather caught up with each other and dealt with what was now. And afterward, we didn't have to feel like we were going back to what was. We don't have to talk to each other every day like we used to. Just a simple conversation. The things that get in between people fade over time and sometimes that person is the person we may need to talk to just to get our mind off something or to get their opinion, advice, humor.

It's amazing what we let clutter our hearts. This poem is what I wrote that night in the spring when I wondered what it would be like to talk to a person that cluttered my heart a lot.

Something Beautiful

I want to send you something beautiful

and I don’t know why.

You don’t need to say anything.

But wouldn’t it be something if we dropped differences

and I called you and we didn’t talk about the past

or religion or even our days and how they went?

We could talk about bugs and butterflies

and this new cool pen I got.

The one I will write poetry with

and little notes to people.

We could give our feelings a rest.

They need a night off.

Wouldn’t that be something?

Who said we have to be mad at each other in this moment?

What if we took a break from the world and our stories

and instead told each other a story or two?

Who says we couldn’t?

We’re different people now anyway.

Wouldn’t that be something?

To lay things down and laugh.

We could thank each other.

We could be happy too.

We could cry and let it all out

because we will need more space in our hearts

for sunsets and stars that take our breath away.

For butterflies to rush through after a kiss from someone we love.

And for other people and moments we don’t want to forget.

You already left your mark anyway.

We don’t need to hold on forever.

I could meet the you that is now.

And introduce you to myself.

We could say nice to meet you

and tell each other everything will be okay.

That would be something.

It could be beautiful.
It could be something.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Why I Chose to Compete in Miss Kansas USA

It may have been random or a surprise to some, while others might not be surprised at all that I would choose to compete in Miss Kansas USA. Those that know my love of glitter, dresses, heels, and the sort might be thinking this is right up my alley. Others that know my past experiences in creating BUILD Beauty and things I have written about might be scratching their heads. I think it is important for others to know the many reasons I am on this adventure because it’s not just for me to get pretty for a day and wear a gorgeous dress on stage. That will be a perk and a reward.

1.     Overcoming obstacles & fears

When I was in high school, I had looked into pageants, but I would see the money I had to raise or pay and get discouraged and think I couldn’t possibly do it. Then I would give up on it. Raising money, asking for sponsors, etc., was always my least favorite thing when it came to the organizations I was involved in and all the events I had to plan. It is a weakness I struggle with. I started to revert back to that fear when I saw I have to raise $900 in sponsorships and thought of the extra costs that will go along with it, but I told myself I can’t keep getting discouraged and I need to challenge myself to do it. It will be a good challenge for me and can help my business communication skills, which I could apply in my future. I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of fear winning so much.

2.     To keep up a healthy lifestyle

After competing in my first pageant at my heaviest and most self-conscious time of my life, I decided to kick my butt into gear by eating better and getting back in the gym regularly. I had a dress I wanted to look good in by a certain date and had a trainer that helped me along the way. I saw a lot of progress and made changes. And it was an amazing feeling being able to feel good in that dress. I wanted to compete in a pageant where I had a good amount of time to actually train hard and work my butt off for. Also, having an end goal keeps me motivated to stay in a healthy lifestyle.

3.     Timing

I just graduated college, moved back home, and have a part time job. The last 3 years, I have been used to juggling school, two jobs, 3-4 organizations, event planning, and more. I felt this was a good thing to keep me busy and challenged. The timing was great since I am not tied down to a full time job or school. I could have time for it.

4.     Avoiding more regrets

I am not a fan of the word: regret. I try not to use it and I try to avoid it. I know experiences like studying abroad are amazing and I wanted to so badly, but always had some excuse: timing, too busy, too expensive, too long, etc. Now I hate that I didn’t do it. So this was another thing that I didn’t want to pass by. I don’t want to look back and ask why I didn’t just do it.

5.     Applying the BUILD Beauty motto

Here is the big question some may ask, “How do you promote for girls to go makeup-free and to learn to love themselves naturally, but you are going to compete in a pageant where you wear a lot of make up and get judged for how you look?” There are times where I have felt like I may look like a hypocrite and I have put a lot of thought into it. Beauty Peace Day is what inspired me to start BUILD, but loving yourself makeup-free is not the only message of BUILD. It is to Believe in yourself, Un-do negative thinking, Inspire others, Live fully, Dream. I’ve always wanted girls to be the best they can be and to do whatever they want to achieve. I am going to have to believe in myself to do this adventure. It takes a lot of guts. I am going to have to un-do negative thinking and constantly remind myself not to compare myself to the other girls in a bad way. I hope to inspire others to fight their fears and do something that may be scary, but wonderful at the same time. One of my friends is also competing because she was inspired when I was accepted. She was the same way: scared, but didn’t want to look back and know she didn’t try. Now we are helping each other. I am living fully because I am overcoming fears and pushing myself mentally and physically. I’ve watched Miss USA and Miss America with my mom ever since I could remember and it has been a little seed of a dream of mine. So why not chase it? That’s an example of BUILD Beauty.

This is going to be an overall learning experience and that excites me. I don’t like being complacent. I like a challenge and experiences. There are always ways to improve, learn, and better yourself. This will be a good adventure to do so!

Want to keep up on my adventure? “Like” my Facebook page: Rachel for Miss Kansas USA

If you would like to donate, you can by visiting my Go Fund Me page at http://www.gofundme.com/awudew

If you are part of a business that wants to sponsor me or know of a business that can be a potential sponsor, please contact me! I have tax write off sheets and receipts pages. Any other questions, feel free to ask!

Thank you for the love & support!

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

A video on how you can support my journey to Miss Kansas USA!

Different Kind of Date Ideas

Remember way back when I first bravely blogged about boys and complained just a little a bit about the lack of dates I had actually been on? Not much had changed and I could still probably use just my hands to count the number of dates I had actually been on in over two years of being single. But I found a guy that believes in dates who sweetly asked me one night,

"Aren't those what dates are? Just excuses to see you?" 

I can fill a page of all the dates I've been on with this one guy and I have to give him credit for his creative mind and the ability to think outside the box. He eventually won me over and we figured we should share these ideas. We want Applebee's, "hanging out", and "Bro and a Pizza" (ordering pizza and inviting a girl over to watch a movie with you and your "bro"--roommate, friend, fraternity brother) to be cut out of any dating ideas. Here is a list of dates we have done that can be used whether you are a broke college student, living on a budget, bored of the same old ideas, a busy bee and more!

First word of advice: He called. He actually called me and preferred to make plans that way. It was a breath of fresh air and made an impression.

1. Dinner at a hole in the wall Chinese restaurant 
He isn't a fan of chain restaurants and has now turned me into a snob about it too. But I like it. Usually the hole in the wall places have better food that you can't get anywhere else, unique menu items, and a different atmosphere. Why not try something new? If the place has anything with the concept of 2 for $20, don't go there.

2. Beer at a local pub on a weeknight
This was before he found out I am not much of a beer girl. I ordered a beer I don't mind as much and we relaxed and talked. It wasn't a crowded weekend environment so we were able to hear each other to get to know each other.

3. Wine contest
He picked me up, double checked I am a fan of wine, and took us to a liquor store with a big variety of wines. We were to each pick a wine of our choosing under $20. We went back to his place and tasted each other's wines to see who picked the best one.

4. Coffee
We were two of the busiest students. On days we only had about 20 minutes to spare, we met in the student union, got coffee, and caught up with each other.

5. Dinner at The Brek followed by The Mill
This place was a town over and had fresh steak on the weekends. Probably the best steak I have had! Then we walked down to a hole in the wall bar. It's nice to get out of town and in different places. The drive there and back can be more time to bond and talk.

6. Traditional lunch date
My last semester, I wanted to go to Skyline Dining Hall on campus every Friday. We turned it into a date a few times. It sort of became a tradition, which made it special.

7. A theatre production
We went to a free theatre production on campus on a Friday night. It was a neat performance that was funny and got you thinking.

8. Royals game
I had to go to Kansas City one day, so we made a whole day out of it that ended with the Royals game. I am not a huge fan, but he bought me a cute Royals tank top to fit in and show some spirit, which made it even more fun. He was excited to go and that made me excited too. It was a night game that made for perfect weather!

9. Cooking in
We have cooked numerous meals together and for each other (mainly him doing the cooking!). This can save money and be something fun to do together. It can also be a healthy choice too!

10. Zoo
Emporia kids, Emporia has a free zoo that is quite nice. Get some fresh air and take a walk through it!

11. Bowling and air hockey
We like some competition between us. We made little bets over games of bowling. Winner had to buy the next round of drinks after one and another included buying a bowling alley snack for the other. Air hockey was in the arcade at the bowling alley and we had an intense game that get the adrenaline and competition going!

12. Goodwill board game
We went to Goodwill to look for a board game. They are known to have some classics and off the wall ones. And they are super cheap too! He bought a game for $2 and we sat on the living room floor and played a game together we had never played before.

...

Don't completely shut out movies. If you do dinner and a movie, go to the movie first, so you can talk about it while you eat dinner. If you watch a movie at one of each other's places, wait after a few dates. I also suggest watching a TV series together that you both enjoy. We are both obsessed with Mad Men. He would DVR it and we would watch it together when we were both free.

Girls, for the sake of guys, if he asks you on a date, it is not a marriage proposal. He just might want to get to know you and enjoy some good company. Don't completely shut out someone. Been there, done that. I've heard this complaint before. Maybe they are just excuses?

Thank you Tyler for all the dates and the permission to share them. :)

I hope you try some of these ideas and spice up the dating life. Any other cool date ideas you have done? We LOVE date ideas and always enjoy new ones!

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

glitterandthegirlygirl@gmail.com

@theglitterylife

From the Royals game sporting my new Royals tank :)

Post Grad Life: The Uncluttering Process

It took me about 3 and a half days to get my room together when I moved back home. I completely went through just about every inch of my room and uncluttered! I threw out over 15 pairs of shoes, endless things from middle school and high school, clothes, and more. It needed to happen and I encourage you all to do an uncluttering session. It's refreshing. I completely changed my bedding, decorations, and added a cool shelf. Must mention that I now have a closet just for my dresses and heels. Definitely "The Girly Girl" closet! I wanted a room to go to that wasn't the high school Rachel and a place that was comfy cozy to me. I am pretty proud of it. Makes me feel like I need a room warming party!

Huge thanks to my parents, brother in law, Josiah, Sammie, Jessica E., Jessica V., little Miss Grace and anyone else that helped me pack, move, unpack, clean, and more!

Here are pictures of the final results!

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Post Grad Life: The Next Chapter

Hi. I'm back from my little hiatus of finishing up my last semester of undergrad at Emporia State, graduating, and moving back to Kansas City. For those that might have missed the coming soon video, here is a little snipit of what has happened and what is to come! 

The last semester was a big one.
I competed in my first ever pageant on a huge whim at the largest I've ever been and most self-conscious I had ever been with my body. A boy I thought I liked hurt my feelings. And I was experiencing my first big criticisms for my opinion articles. I was learning not everyone is a fan of Rachel Marshall. I was strained and struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Some shining moments happened like planning and executing the largest event I've ever done, being nominated as an Outstanding Senior, having 5 poems selected to be in Quivira (our student literary journal), and graduating with honors. And little did I know, someone would finally break me down and capture my heart after a lot of hard work, bumps in the road, and dates. Shouldn't be a surprise, I had become stingy with my heart.
                                                                             ...

So I've used the metaphor of a break up to describe the transition from college to the post grad life. It literally felt like it in my body as if I were going through a break up, but it wasn't with just one person. It was with a town that became a home, friends and colleagues that became like a family and dear to me, and a roommate I shared a room with for 3 years that knew me inside and out. Not to mention someone who I started to care about more and more. The last couple days, I was on edge holding in tears. I was taking clothes off hangers and I started balling. I couldn't eat on the day I moved out. It was the hardest chapter I've had to finish yet.
                                                                              ...

A new chapter begins though and it's already off to a fast start! I have poetry, stories, and things to tell you about. So be ready for regular posts and more to come! Be sure to follow "The Girly Girl" on Twitter @theglitterylife. I made it awhile back, but plan to utilize it more! And always feel free to give me suggestions or a heads up as to what you would like me to focus on or write about.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

glitterandthegirlygirl@gmail.com

@theglitterylife

The Last Rainy Poem I Make on My Balcony in Emporia

I am slowly coming back. I realize I have kind of been on a blogging hiatus. You can't blame a girl for trying to soak up her last semester of college as an undergrad! A lot happened over the semester. I have already blogged about a couple things, but there has been a lot more to cover. I just wanted to quickly post this poem I sketched this last rainy night.

Things are wrapping up in Emporia.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

The Last Rainy Poem I Make on My Balcony in Emporia

I had just thought of a title to a poem I could write

and the rain picked up. How did it know I was bad at titles?

It was like the rain thought I had a good idea and started to pour;

urging me to go on. It wanted more.

I wrote the title to this poem and the thunder rumbled.

I didn’t know the rain & thunder were such fans.

I kept writing and it kept pouring.

Giving me something to write about.

As if it wanted me to write about it.

Or maybe it wanted to give me one last good storm to write to

on this beloved balcony I’ve had so many memories on.

I’ve been kissed on this balcony

and I’ve watched the rain kiss the pavement from here too.

I’ve cried here and I have written moments.

My neighbor came out to sit and watch rain too.

Asked me, “Poetry or story?”

I answered, “Poetry.”

It was another moment to tell me this is what I am meant to do.
Thank you, rain. Thank you, neighbor. Thank you, God.

A little bit of rain got on the page.