The Last Rainy Poem I Make on My Balcony in Emporia

I am slowly coming back. I realize I have kind of been on a blogging hiatus. You can't blame a girl for trying to soak up her last semester of college as an undergrad! A lot happened over the semester. I have already blogged about a couple things, but there has been a lot more to cover. I just wanted to quickly post this poem I sketched this last rainy night.

Things are wrapping up in Emporia.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

The Last Rainy Poem I Make on My Balcony in Emporia

I had just thought of a title to a poem I could write

and the rain picked up. How did it know I was bad at titles?

It was like the rain thought I had a good idea and started to pour;

urging me to go on. It wanted more.

I wrote the title to this poem and the thunder rumbled.

I didn’t know the rain & thunder were such fans.

I kept writing and it kept pouring.

Giving me something to write about.

As if it wanted me to write about it.

Or maybe it wanted to give me one last good storm to write to

on this beloved balcony I’ve had so many memories on.

I’ve been kissed on this balcony

and I’ve watched the rain kiss the pavement from here too.

I’ve cried here and I have written moments.

My neighbor came out to sit and watch rain too.

Asked me, “Poetry or story?”

I answered, “Poetry.”

It was another moment to tell me this is what I am meant to do.
Thank you, rain. Thank you, neighbor. Thank you, God.

A little bit of rain got on the page.

Mosaic of ESU

He told me that my hands were beautiful.

I gasped and asked, “Really?!” I explained how I am usually made fun of for my big hands and long fingers. He told me that the longer the fingers, the better. I kept thanking him and he asked, “Why do you keep thanking me? It’s truth.”

This was part of my conversation with a new friend I made at Mosaic, a diversity leadership retreat that Emporia State University puts on at Camp Wood. My new friend’s name is Joo and he is from South Korea and just started his journey at ESU this January. He was in my small community group at the retreat and just from our discussions, I dug his personality and the cultural insights he had to offer. He brought to our attention that in Korea, it is weird for them to say, “Hey, how are you?” to others if they are out and about. He explained that you would get weird looks and confusion if you tried to do that to someone at a simple place like a grocery store. Us Americans, probably don’t think twice about this simple greeting that we say day to day to others. We might even take it for granted in a way. I also learned that in other cultures, being really white and fair is a thing of beauty while here, you are pressured to be tan. It is fascinating how different societies are when it comes to “beauty norms.”

Mosaic was a great place full of activities that opened my eyes even more to the benefits and effects of diversity. Diversity has been important to me ever since I realized the impact it has while attending Sumner Academy, but it deepened even more in that 24 hours last weekend. I finally was in an environment and had time to connect with new people and other cultures.

I still keep in contact with Joo. We actually hung out in our student union and talked for an hour just about the differences and comparisons between Korean and American culture. I am thankful that I was able to meet him and talk to him and expand my knowledge. I haven’t traveled overseas (yet), but I am glad ESU blessed me with exchange students that can give me a taste of other cultures until then.

Another big moment for me while at Mosaic was the opportunity to finally stargaze. I have been wanting to do this for a while now, but it is not very often I am out in an open place such as Camp Wood. And did it live up to its expectations. It was very beautiful sitting on the ground, bundled up in blankets and being encompassed by all the stars and pure silence. I haven’t heard a quiet like that in ages. The stars were so bright and you could actually see them twinkle. Yes, stars can actually twinkle. I went to bed and I laid down on my top bunk. I laid my head on my pillow and looked at the window that was just at my level and saw the moon right there reflecting over the little lake. I savored that scene and fought to keep my eyes open so I could appreciate it as many seconds as I could. Those memories will be etched in my mind forever. I can’t wait to experience something like that again. Hopefully sooner than later.

I encourage future Hornets to experience Mosaic and open your eyes just a little more to the world around you. It’s a big big world out there.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

All of us in this picture are from Wyandotte County. I love this candid picture of us. Proud we can do big things.

Our community group, Blue Sky. Joo is on the left in the hat!

 Mosaic of ESU 2014

We Never Had Coffee.

Just about everything we do impacts our lives. We have a lot of choices to make and different paths that we can take. Sometimes you may find yourself wondering how life could be drastically different if one step was a taken in another direction or if you had chosen to do something else that one day. Sometimes I think about this. What would have happened if this person decided not to text me after all? What if this person didn't live in another state? How would things be different if I had said something that night? What would it be like now if we had actually went and had coffee?

I am a believer that pretty much everything happens for a reason. Whether it is to make us smile, teach us a lesson, remind us of something, and more. But sometimes I can't help to wonder what it would be like if other steps were taken, different words were said, and we did what we thought about doing.

Here is a poem that carries this thought of "what if."

We Never Had Coffee.
I hate that we never had coffee.
We never got past the initial flirt
and the beginning texts.
We never did what's supposed to come next.
Never went on a date.
Never went to get coffee.
Maybe you forgot me.
Didn't give me a chance.
Now we have to wonder.
You don't want to hurt her.
I can think about it
when I sit up in my bed.
Wonder if the same thing
is going through your head.
That we should've had coffee.
We never had coffee.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Pageant Positives

I was sitting in our Ambassador retreat touring training when I got a message from an Ambassador Alum on Facebook letting me know about an opportunity to compete in the Miss Flint Hills/Lyon County pageant. I looked into it and saw that it was going to be taking place that next weekend. I went ahead and got in contact with one of the directors in the midst of changing flights and traveling to and from Fargo, North Dakota over the weekend. Next thing I know, Monday night I came out of my room and asked my roommate what she was doing Saturday night because I was going to be competing in my first pageant.

Let me tell you, prepping for a pageant in less than a week is a tad overwhelming. Especially when it’s your first one. At this point, I was close to pasty white and the heaviest I’ve ever weighed in my life. It was just the week before when I had started to really buckle down on my diet and exercise. So this was going to be a challenge. I tanned every day that week in one of the best beds they had to offer. I continued to cut back on the pop and junk food as well. I was getting my nails done Friday night and Saturday morning I was dropped off at the Granada Theater by my roommate. I spent the whole day there rehearsing and practicing until the big show at 7pm.

But here is what I am really getting at. I had no idea what to expect. I went in a little scared due to my experience watching TV and movies that give pageant life such a negative stigma. Was I about to spend a whole day with caddy girls that would make my self-esteem lower? Was I about to be in over my head?

The overall experience took me by surprise because I found myself being brave and feeling empowered. Some people actually laughed when I told them I was about to do a pageant, but I decided to do it anyway. I wanted the experience and to have fun. I even chose to read my own poetry as my talent rather than the usual song or dance routine. Hearing the girls laugh at my funny poem during rehearsals, telling me they wish they could do something like poetry and that I am funny was a great feeling that built my confidence.

Yes, this pageant was the whole nine yards and yes, I did do the swimsuit competition. This was the thing I was most nervous about. I even went into this with people that I had talked to that said they wouldn’t be able to do that. But I did it. And let me tell you, that was probably the most empowering thing of all. Being brave enough to go out there knowing I am about to be judged, but owning what I got anyway. There were other girls that had the same nerves as me. I wasn’t alone. After I stepped backstage, I felt a high and I asked one of the girls, “Did I really just do that?” This is the irony and the weird thing because we as viewers will judge these girls and some may ridicule them for doing it, but I found myself happy I did it because it takes guts and it left me feeling empowered and a little more comfortable in my own skin. And that is something that I probably needed at that time.

We’ve been on the audience side time and time again when we watch pageants on TV. People probably wondered why I did it since I did create BUILD and on the surface you think that this goes against my overall message. But being on the other side of it and looking at it in a different frame, I found it has its benefits for women. I got to practice my interviewing skills, public speaking, stage presence and more. Not to mention my self-confidence and self-esteem were tested. I also had a great time getting to know the other girls competing. We had fun joking around. I also loved getting all pretty and dressing up. Because as this blog is titled, I am a girly girl so I appreciate anytime I have an excuse to dress up and look good! I was really surprised and taken back when I realized I actually kind of had a blast with this experience. I knew I would need to share this with you all. I’m probably not going to go on and become a pageant girl, but I am glad I was able to experience it for a day none the less.

Thank you to everyone that helped me out and prepare in such a short notice. Shout out to Midas Touch tanning for being great and getting me tan in time! Always thankful for my family’s support. I was glad I had family members in the crowd because not all the girls had that. Also, my friends that came to support too! Thank you all for the positive vibes you sent my way. 

And I have found I will forever be thankful for Tina Fey and her peanut joke in her book, Bossypants. I definitely used that joke on a whim in my interview and it made the judges laugh. That’s what I love to do. Make people laugh. 

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Got a quick pic with Miss Kansas before I left!

Be Still

It happened again.
It seemed as if God came swooping down and had to do something for me to really get the message he was trying to get across to me.

Ever since I have been home for winter break, I have gone to bed later and later into the night. And not really for any particular reason. I noticed that it kind of became a challenge for me to get to sleep when usually that's not a problem. Some nights, I would think about moments, conversations, life, questioning things, planning, even coming up with lines of poetry in my mind just trying to get to sleep. Or I would lay there and keep checking social media over and over. As days went on, I would get to bed at 1am, sometimes 2am and it even got to be about 3-4am on some nights. Last night, I started to get frustrated. It was past 1am and I was wide awake on my computer. 2am rolls by and my body doesn't feel like going to sleep. My mind is still going. I did some writing, reading, tweeting. I even tweeted about not being a huge fan of staying up late now thinking of life and how I can't wait for school to start again. I wanted my old sleep schedule back. 3am comes and I shut my Mac, take the headphones out and decide to read to hopefully help me get to sleep soon.

I am determined to finish The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass soon. So I pick that up and decide to read a couple chapters. I get through one and then the next chapter is titled, "Be Still." She starts every chapter with a quote or bible verse. This one started with, "Be still, and know that I am God."--Psalm 46:10. She starts her whole point of the chapter with a metaphor using her cat. She explains her cat never failed to push its food bowl to the middle of the kitchen floor when it started to get low and wanted more food. Every time it would do this, start circling around her feet and then start meowing until it he got more food. Mandy Hale explains that she would always feed him, but he would still do this no matter what. She says that in this situation we are sometimes like her cat. We meow and meow asking God why he hasn't answered our prayers yet. What's taking so long? What am I doing? Where am I going to be? Why am I not in a relationship? Why isn't anything happening now? We want Him to fill our bowls when we want Him too. So I was trying to get through the last page when my left leg starting twitching. It felt like a muscle spasm which I thought was my body trying to tell me it was tired and I really needed to get to sleep soon. So I trudged on trying to get through this last page, but my leg wouldn't stop. I put my hand on it and tried to get through the last couple paragraphs. It was getting really intense and then it crossed my mind--Was this God frantically tapping me on the leg trying to tell me: This is what I want you to know! This is it! This is it! This is why you haven't been sleeping well! This is what you need to know right now. Here is an answer for you! Pay attention! Take note! I want you to read this! I finally finished the last couple paragraphs and then it stopped. The twitching completely went away. Then it really hit me. That was it. God just showed me something. I laid there with wide eyes trying to process what I read. I read it over again and noticed that my leg didn't twitch what so ever again. And I finally felt relaxed. He wanted me to "be still." I thought more about what had happened. Maybe not only was God tapping my leg to make sure I got His point, but maybe this was an example of how I can keep questioning and keep bugging God about things and it can get a little annoying. The twitching was distracting and a little obnoxious when I was trying to read. I need to be still and just trust God to fill my bowl because he will. He won't forget about me. Things work out and I know this. It has been proved to me time and time again. Now I need to learn to be still until then. This really was what I needed to know.

I love when He does this. Reminds me that He really is there and He knows. He showed me something that I needed to understand. I need to be still and trust. I need to relax and let him work. I just need to do my part and let Him do His.

After I took that in, I felt very relaxed and finally eased right to sleep.

This reminded me a lot of the 3 Pennies story that I posted on here awhile back when He seemed to work His message to me in a certain way.
You can read it here: 3 Pennies

It was a little intense and scary at first, but so beautiful and wondrous. Very thankful and glad it happened. Now I am trying to continue to be still and plan to remind myself a lot this year to do so.

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel 

New Year--Still Glittering

Two years just went by since I started this blog. What a couple two years and this coming year won't be any different. Last night, I brought in the new year with a couple of my best friends, Jade and Anna, at a new place I had never been. I was able to break in my fabulous new heels and be with them surrounded by lots of people which was a new experience for me. I've never really had any big plans for NYE so it was nice to venture out and do something new!

As for resolutions, I don't know how I feel about the word resolution, but, I do rather enjoy goals and dreams and things to strive to be. I know Anna and I are about to tag team to be in the best shape we have ever been in. It will be a tough road, but I don't think we have ever been this motivated together. This year will rather be not so much about resolutions, but crossing off things on a huge to do list that includes, graduating, finding a job, and a place to live just among other big events that will be happening in my last semester at ESU. So I think that will be enough to keep me occupied!

If I do have a word for this year, it will be change. I will be graduating from a place that stole my heart and I have made home for 4 years. I will be getting a job and transitioning to live in a different place. I go through these phases where I like to change things up and they usually coincide with semesters and seasons. I am definitely in that mode right now. I have gotten a lot of new things and refreshing just about everything. I even deleted every picture/video off my phone the other night and redid my music library on it. This gave me 5GB of storage of free space again. Needless to say, it was a good feeling! Starting fresh and getting motivated for this year is what I am doing. It will be a roller coaster type of year, but I am going to try to be as positive and happy as I can be in this process! Why be anything different from that?

Just a little bit ago, I remembered I wrote myself a letter last Janurary 1st. I read it. I kind of teared up. I am glad I did it. I plan to write another letter tonight to open next year. :) Anybody else do that? Anybody want to try it this year?
                                                                        &&&

So hello, 2014. My name is Rachel. Nice to meet you. We have a lot to accomplish this year. :)

Ready to accomplish things even if it's in sparkly heels:)

NYE Night with Jade & Anna

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

Red lips & heels. Be Bold. Sparkle & Shine.

A First Kiss

I feel like I've been pretty lucky to experience some pretty epic movie-moment-like first kisses so far in my life. I've kissed and written poetry that involves "the kiss." So over time and reflecting back at these moments and writing about them, I have started to notice some patterns. There are differences in first kiss moments. Some of them you may have a pretty good feeling it is about to happen and it is just eased in pretty naturally. There is the kind where you are so into that moment, it's like everything and everyone else is non-existent. Then there are those moments where you may be unsure or you don't know how to go about it. It's kind of a funny little thing; the moments that lead up to the big one. I've written about different kinds of kisses I've experienced, but I wanted to write it at a different angle where I am detached and you can put yourself in it. Also, I hadn't written about this kind of lead to a first kiss that intrigues me. That moment when you are talking and don't even know what you are talking about anymore because you are so caught up in wondering if it will happen or not. Or if it's right or wrong. Or if that person even wants to kiss you back. I welcome you to experience this kind of first kiss. Maybe you have been this person before or you will at some point.

This Kind of First Kiss

There’s this awkward stare.

You are in conversation with the person

and you keep looking into each other’s eyes.

You wonder if this is the moment

and you wonder if the person staring back

is thinking the same thing too.

If they are, then it’s the moment, right?

But how do you know if they are thinking

the same thing as you?

Look for signs and maybe some cues.

They are staring too.

Oh, that was a small pause.

Does that mean something?

They keep talking.

You barely know what the conversation is about anymore,

but you keep it going.

Perfect. This buys more time to figure out if they want it too.

Keep staring and barely blink.

You don’t want to miss a beat

or the slightest hint that this might be the moment.

Maybe their eyes will let you know.

You say something and you don’t really know what it was,

but who cares anymore.

But really, who cares anymore?

They come closer.

You go closer.

Before you can even take a breath,

you feel their lips for the first time.

What were you doing all this time?

They must have wanted it too after all.

You take it in and keep your eyes closed.

Give them a break from staring.

No more staring tonight.

You’d rather have this moment all night.

A classic movie first kiss. One of my favorites. Notice the stare in the top picture. :)

A first kiss is a funny, thrilling thing.
Do you have any favorite first kiss moments?

Sparkle & Shine.
Rachel

glitterandthegirlygirl@gmail.com
@theglitterylife
@rachelnmsparkle

My Year In Pictures

As the end of the year is wrapping up, I like to reflect back on the year and look back at how far I've come, the cool people I met, the places I got to see, and neat experiences I was able to have! People know I love pictures and sometimes they are worth more than words as they say. So let me let the pictures do more of the talking in this post. As I was compiling pictures, I was reminded of what a huge year this was. So, welcome to my 2013. Better buckle up!

I went to the New Orleans, Saints vs. Kansas City, Chiefs game in the New Orleans Super Dome!

Had 3 poems published in our student literary journal at ESU

 Planned the Ambassador banquet

Saw Lady Gaga in concert TWICE.

 Finally conducted my first Guy Panel for BUILD Beauty and it turned out to be a success!

Did my first 5k :)

Went to Ambassador District 6 conference in Des Moines, IA.

Ventured to Toledo for the national Blue Key conference with Michelle and made a new friend from Georgia!

Started my new job in the Office of the President

 Became President of Blue Key and have learned the challenges and good feeling that comes with leading these student leaders.

Was the head chair of this Homecoming event that was one of the biggest challenges for me yet, but felt so good seeing it come together. 

Attended my first Sporting KC game

Got to see beautiful Golden, CO while at a Blue Key board retreat.

Took in the culture of New Orleans! Had to try out Bourbon Street :)

Became an opinion writer for the school newspaper. I get to do something I love.

Was crowned Homecoming Queen

And I got to share it with one of my best friends and another "Dotte Original" like me :)

Became a Face of ESU and part of the "I Am A Hornet" Campaign.

I had to get used to seeing my face just about everywhere.

 I even got to be on my own postcard that comes to life through augmented reality!

Oh, and there is a commercial too!

                           

There were so many things in between. A lot of ups and downs as it usually goes, but definitely a great year overall! What were some awesome things that happened in your 2013?

Sparkle & Shine.

Rachel

glitterandthegirlygirl@gmail.com

@theglitterylife

@rachelnmsparkle