Scabs

Scabs

They’ve been trying to heal.

                slowly

When I think about you, I

       scratch, scratch.

When I see you in my dreams,

              scratch, scratch.

Anytime I see a picture of you,

                     scratch, scratch, scratch.

  dried blood

Conversations with you make me

                          pick and pick at them.

If I hear that damn song,

                               pick.

                they hurt

If I saw you, they might bleed.

They would all open back up.

       again

They’ve been trying to heal.

…

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

Sunday Sprinkle: Christmas, I Couldn't Believe

Christmas, I Couldn’t Believe

by Grace Rome & Rachel Marshall 

All through the night, snowflakes twinkled.

But I couldn’t hear a thing, but twinkle, twinkle, with a winkle.

Curious kitties roamed around their houses looking for adventure.

Dogs and cats I dreamed of on Christmas Eve looking for adventure, I couldn’t believe.

Even the mouse in the basement couldn’t sleep.

For Christmas Eve, I couldn’t believe that

gifts would be opened soon with wrapping paper scattered across the room.

Hearing tomorrow was Christmas, no school, no nothing; I couldn’t believe.

I couldn’t believe tomorrow was Christmas with Santa to believe.

Just wait and see all the magic that will happen tonight

knowing Santa will come this night.

Lights will be glowing.

Magic will be happening with the appearance of Santa coming.

Nutcrackers dancing in my dreams, glitter.

On Christmas morning opening gifts from Santa in my head.

Popcorn, cookies, and other goodies wait to be eaten.

Quietly Santa comes in and

right before he puts the first present under the tree,

suddenly the tree fell down!

The dog chased the curious kitties up the tree and Santa got caught

underneath it. It sounded like

volcanoes erupting from miles away

waking everyone up!

X-rays had to be done making sure Santa was okay.

Yes, he was okay and happily I took over his job. Now you can go back to sleep.

Zzz…

A picture of the writers :)

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

A Word to the "Taken" Boys

I don’t know whether I am more irritated or just simply tired. I am tired of the same old sneakiness and sleaziness. So I am here to give it straight to ya. 

Please   Please   Please   if you have a girlfriend, respect her. Please don’t talk to me with sketchy intentions. I’ve been on every side of the word “cheat” and I’ve never thought any them looked good. In any light.

I can tell you that I take it pretty seriously. Once, I literally sat down a guy that consistently chased after me, who had a long time girlfriend, to look him in the face and tell him that as long as he was in a relationship, he was going to get absolutely nowhere with me. And I told him why. I told him my story.  I told him in hopes maybe he would get the consequences and hurt that can come with it. And to tell you, it ruins any chance of a relationship (if you even cared to have one) with me because I already know what you are okay with and do on the down low. Starting a relationship with someone who tried to reach me in such a dishonest way does not appeal to me.

And to those that are a bit sneakier, I will find out. My best friends are really good at finding just about anything out and they are great at telling me about it too. So when I tell you I know you have a girlfriend, just accept it. No need to lie because it will make you look that much worse.

One of the reasons why I am not okay with “taken” guys privately messaging me on social media and/or text is because if you were to get caught by the girlfriend, probably about 9 out of 10 times, she would dislike me automatically for something I didn’t initiate most likely 10 out of the 10 times. I don’t want to be hated over someone I am not interested in or something I didn’t do. 

If you are engaged, please don’t try to make small talk with me over Facebook message.

Don’t pour your heart out to me via text claiming you wouldn’t want a relationship right now with anyone else, but would with me, then get into a relationship a couple days later. It almost makes me feel like you “pre-cheated” or something and now I just feel awkward. For you and the girl.

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be upset if I texted you. I would rather you not be upset when your girlfriend texts you.

I realize that relationships, especially long term, can fade, get boring, lose it’s spark, and actually become some work. But I can tell you, I am not going to be able to fix it. There might be some kind of allure of talking to someone new. Maybe I am some sort of attraction or fantasy, but I am not a reality to you. Either try to ignite that spark with your lady or take it as a sign that maybe it’s time to let her go. And maybe she can have another chance to find someone that can adore her fully and give her everything she deserves. Think about her too and at least give her that.

And my name is spelled RACHEL.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

"Girl At Home" - Taylor Swift 

Sunday Sprinkle: Under the Covers

Under the Covers

Keep the covers on us.

I don’t care how hot it is.

It’s keeping us together in this moment.

We are covered from the world of worries.

The monsters that have hurt us can’t find us either.

All I need to feel are the butterflies in my stomach,

your lips, and the sweat

on the back of your neck on my fingertips.

I can’t stop kissing you.

Your words spill into my mouth.

That’s all I need to consume

under the covers with you.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

My Letter to the Younger Ones

Dear _________________,

This one is for you.

A letter from me to you and the girl in middle school wearing braces and going through puberty, the freshman boy trying to make new friends and figure out where he fits in, the girl trying to figure out what college to attend, and the one that doesn’t know if they are in the right major. To the ones that only need a little reminder that it gets better.

You can grab your elbow and knee pads, but it won't protect you from everything :)

I had braces. For I believe exactly two years and one day. And I am glad I did because my teeth are still pretty magnificent at age 23. I still wear retainers. And I like being goofy in them when my friends see me in them.

I had braces when I still didn’t have contacts and wore glasses all the time. It was the same time when I tried to give myself highlights from the box and it turned out terribly wrong. Even my siblings agree, I went through that “ugly betty” awkward phase of life. Who would have thought that girl would compete in a Miss Kansas USA pageant about a decade later?

For a long time, I attempted the messy bun look. When I was little, I wanted to master the messy-throw-up-your-hair-style my cool dance teachers did and then later what the college girls did when they went to class or the library. I finally would master it at the age of 22 and it was an amazing feeling. Sometimes you just have to practice and wait. It might come to you over time.

And along the way, you will always have bad fashion moments that you thought were cool at the time. Just go along with it. Whatever makes you feel confident and comfortable!

The braces, glass, and bad fashion moment. I think you can see the blue fuzzy stuff stuck on my pants.

It’s okay to change your major. The average is 4 times for college kids. I did twice. I almost wish I went in undecided and just let life take it’s course and figure out what my passions really were instead of what I thought they were or what I thought would be easy or a good fit. And just because I like to try to plan everything and know where I am going. This is also a fact of life. You can’t plan everything. And a lot of people don’t know where they are going next.

Taylor Swift was right when she sang, “You will do greater things in life than dating the boy on the football team.”

And when people tell you college is some of the best years of your life, they aren’t kidding.

You will change. Always. Change is one of the few things that remains constant. So you might notice your friends have changed or you might get accused of changing. Your style might change, your taste in music, thoughts, opinions, and more. But that is fine. Who would want to remain exactly the same anyway? High school and college are huge grounds for change. Let yourself evolve, grow, and explore. And don’t feel like you need to apologize for it.

Please, please, please study abroad if you possibly can. I never did and I am still wishing I had.

You will not continue to be best friends with all of your best friends from high school. Luckily, technology and social networks can keep you updated on their lives. But it’s fine and normal if you aren’t close with every single one of them. You will make more friends in college too. And when you graduate, you won’t be as close with some of them either. But you can stay in touch from time to time. Some come in and out for seasons or lessons. Other’s might stick around forever and that is pretty cool.

Get involved. In high school and college. The benefits are endless.

Give Greek Life a consideration. It has changed people’s lives, but if it is not the right fit for you, don’t feel bad. There are other organizations and opportunities out there that can change your life too.

I don’t think many people will notice the breakout on your forehead, the scar on your leg, or the white mark on your tooth. Most of the time they are probably not paying attention or might be worried about their own flaws wondering if you have noticed them too! We all have them. But we don’t seem to notice them most of the time.

Always dance full-out at dance practice.

Don't not do something you enjoy doing because you think people will think it's uncool or nerdy. You most likely won't see them again years on down the road. Do what YOU love or what YOU think is right.

Try to speak up for others that might be getting bullied or picked on. None of it is cool. Strive to be kind to anyone and everyone because there are already enough mean people in the world.

Your super duper crush on the boy in the 7^th grade will eventually fade. And when he likes your Facebook pictures ten years later, you won’t feel much of anything. So just cherish that one time you guys slow danced at the boy/girl party with sweaty hands and butterflies in your tummy. And smile.

Please don’t think something is the “end of the world.” It might be an end of a chapter or an era and can possibly be a new beginning and a lesson learned. Try to always turn anything negative into a positive. Maybe you didn’t get that job because there is actually a better one out there just around the corner. Turn a bad breakup into writing to help other girls. Possibilities are endless.

High school and college are tough, but enjoy every little bit of it. Because, why not?

 

Fondly,

Rachel Marshall

Sparkle&Shine.

@theglitterylife

Make-Believe

Make-Believe

     - Action of pretending or imagining. Typically that things are better than they really are.

Key words: fictitious, fake, made-up, invented, dream, play

Make-Believe

I’ve lived in a make-believe world before

where he is the center and I’m his girl.

We would play house and name our babies

and I went along with dreams he made for me.

He had me hooked with his fictitious feelings

as he made me a character in his book.

I was a good make-believing girl

pretending things were better than they were

---better than he was

because that’s what you do in make-believe worlds.

But the game board crashed to the floor

and our pieces started to scatter.

I looked for the door

as the fake fantasy shattered.

He tore apart what he made up and invented

and I became happy the whole story ended.

…

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

I AM THAT GIRL

The Beginning

It was a June evening, I was watching Miss USA with mom. I started to itch. My body was yearning to do what they were doing. My mind was aching to be challenged. My heart needed a new goal. I wanted something to keep me busy and working hard. I got my laptop out and searched how to do it. I looked over at mom and said, “I am going to apply to compete in Miss Kansas USA.” And so I did that very night.

A few days later, I found out I was accepted.

Then shortly after, I found out I was going to have to come up with a little over $1,000 to compete. That’s when I started to retreat and go back to my old ways of thinking that I probably couldn’t come up with that kind of money. Maybe I shouldn’t compete after all. Then I reminded myself of the other times I thought that to myself and let great opportunities pass by me. I remembered I didn’t like that feeling and that I still dislike that I have let it happen before. So I sucked it up and told myself I would find a way to make it happen. That’s just all there was to it.

So I brainstormed.

I wanted to get creative. I wanted to use my strengths and things I liked to do. I wanted to get family, friends, and the community involved. This was going to be a team effort. So I started contacting and I started pitching ideas. Before I knew it, I was hosting a party at Chicago’s as a fundraiser and holding workshops for little girls at my old dance and gymnastics studio. Just those too events alone gave me over $900. With the help of family, friends, and others that believed in me near and far, I was able to raise over $3,000. I had surpassed my initial goal.

The Challenges

During the 6 months of prep work, I went through a breakup, a period of sadness, burned a friendship, and felt self-conscious of being looked at as a hypocrite for competing. For a while, I went out to lunch and dinner by myself a lot. My weekends were spent by myself and at the gym. But I kept reminding myself that is where I needed to be. I went from having a social life weekend and weekend out to sitting alone at Chick-Fil-A on a Saturday night, makeup-less, in sweats, and feeling a tad lonely. It was an adjustment.

I feared what people would think of me competing in a pageant. Shortly after Miss America aired, a video came out from a show that picked apart the organization and the Miss USA organization in the most negative ways. I had spent the last four years creating and building an organization that promoted natural beauty and loving yourself the way you are, but I kept reminding myself of how I was using the meaning of BUILD and applying it to the situation I was going through. In my heart, I knew it could apply to this journey, but I didn’t know if it would be interpreted the same way to others.

I AM THAT GIRL

Then the book, I AM THAT GIRL by Alexis Jones came into my life and made it all better. It arrived just in time and I read it and finished it the week of the pageant. It assured me of what I was doing and I applied things I learned from it right away. I recommend this book to any and every girl out there.

“That said, if you want a how-to guide on ‘fixing’ you, I’m not your girl and this isn’t your book. I don’t think you need to be fixed. This isn’t some self-help book where I’m going to promise that rainbows and puppies will replace your cloudy days or help you get your dream guy, dream body, or dream job. I’m not going to convince you that something is wrong with you, and then try to sell you ‘my patented formula’ to cure it. And even if I could wave a magic wand and make all your problems go away, I wouldn’t. Because living a ‘perfect’ life is like watching television in black and white: you take out all the color. We need the adventure, all of the highs and lows, the unexpected heartbreaks, the ecstasy, the challenges, and the sweet, smooth sailing. Life is not about picking out the parts you like and leaving the rest, it’s learning to coexist with it all and choosing to see the beauty, the grace, and the hilarity while also experiencing the inevitable disappointment and failure.” – Introduction, xvii, I AM THAT GIRL

This book was a great reminder to always live fully and chase your dreams. It also included quotes sprinkled throughout the book and had one of my favorites by Wayne Gretzky, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I was taking a shot at being crowned Miss Kansas USA. I was “paying to be judged” as someone told me. I was setting myself up for rejection. But even though I wasn’t crowned, I learned and gained so much from this experience that it was hard to be disappointed.

Things I learned and gained

How to diet and exercise

Lost over 10lbs

Pushed myself in different ways to raise money

I’ve never been more beautiful and confident in myself. And I didn’t need a boy to validate it or win the crown to feel it

Proved that I can achieve things when I put my mind to it

Realized how willing people want to help out if you just ask

Stepped out of my comfort zone

Competed in my swimsuit (a feat others said they probably could never do!)

Learned more girly things in life

Met other beautiful women doing amazing things

Made new friends

The experience

It was an experience I will never forget. It was a jam-packed three days. I was surprised and refreshed that most of these girls experience a lot of the same experiences and insecurities. I saw scars and flaws. I met genuine girls. I saw girls skip desert. I saw plastic surgery. I saw disappointment. I felt disappointment. I complimented a lot. I listened to stories. I saw cliques. I saw tears. I saw a lot of glitter. I felt butt glue. My feet hurt and others did too. I walked with confidence. I saw a lot of makeup. I wore a lot of makeup. Extensions were common. I was in heels a lot. We slept little. There were late nights and early mornings. A lot of nerves too. I heard deep breaths. I had an awesome roommate. There were numbers exchanged. A lot of pictures were taken. It was filled with positives and negatives that made the experience as beautiful as it was; full of color. Something I will hold dearly.

Giving thanks

I think I will continue to say thank you to others for this experience for a long time. I seriously would not be able to compete and do it as confidently as I did without the people that supported me. Whether it was letting me throw a party at your bar, donating, sending me words of encouragement, it all helped tremendously. It was a team effort for sure and I couldn’t thank “my crew” enough.

Thank you to ---

My Chicago’s family for being so helpful and easy to work with for my “Party for a Pageant” event

Susan Byrd for letting me put on the workshops at Byrd’s Dance and Gymnastics

Kenna Boggs for my beautiful headshots

Emporia State University for shooting the ad for the program and showering me with support

Greg Farris (MyoBrain) for working with my diet and fitness plans for months, the tough love, and the support when I was frustrated or feeling weak

Nicole Woods for making my workouts extra fun, the signature sheets, good morning texts, and a beautiful friendship

Julia Glenn for being a great pageant companion, helping me out through the process, and exchanging ideas and support

Jonathan Krueger for skyping me for a couple hours explaining ISIS and the Ukraine situations, providing resources, pushing me to keep up on current events, interview advice, and the importance of that aspect of the competition

Jade Sparks for the walking lessons and pageant advice

Mom and Dad for the love and support, working with my diet (endless salads!), and the help throughout the process

My Stister, Karrie, for being my PR lady, the advice, support, love, screams from the audience, and the cold Dr. Pepper waiting in the car for me afterward

My bro-in-law, Devan for helping out pageant weekend

Little Miss Grace for helping me practice, the handwritten notes, good luck texts, screams from the audience, and faith in me

My brother for the support and throwing a watch party

My coach, Jessica Eisman, for going to endless places with me, helping me pick out all my outfits, spending hours with me prepping, and all the encouraging talks, reminders, and texts

Aunt Karen for being there in case I needed anything, love, and support

Anna and Kirsten, my forever roomies, for listening to me vent, pick me up when I was down, and being the amazing friends that they are

All the great customer service at the numerous places and stores I went to

All my family and friends that donated, shared my information on social media, sent me good lucks texts, snaps, FB posts, words of encouragement, and more.

I am a lucky lady with positivity coming from all over the country. I have been overwhelmed with love and support in the best way.

My sponsors

American Family Insurance – David Lawson

Byrd’s Dance and Gymnastics

Chicago’s

Dig It Deep Publishing

Emporia State University

Kenna Boggs Photography, LLC

Loud and Clear

MyoBrain

Nails So Happy

Family and Friends

...

Yesterday, a lot of us girls were adding each other on all kinds of social media outlets, “liking” each others pictures, texting each other, posting on each others walls; filling each other with positivity. I am thrilled to have made new friends and be a part of this little community of women.

After reading the book and living out this experience, I definitely feel like I AM THAT GIRL. I feel confident and cherish both the ups and downs that come with my experiences. Now I am not as afraid to dream big and challenge myself.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I can now say I lived as a pageant girl and competed in Miss Kansas USA.

So what’s next?

I’ve been indulging on food and drinks I had cut down on. I plan on catching up with friends and family. I am going to pick up the job search once again. I already have a next adventure in mind that I am going to apply for. I am hungry for my next great challenge and I can’t wait to see what’s next!

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

Miss Kansas City USA 2015

The Fire

I am sitting on my floor in my room and I can't seem to stop crying. It's reminding me of the night in high school when I sat on the bathroom floor across from my Forensics coach and a couple teammates who were also fellow classmates as we cried because we couldn't escape discrimination again as a team. We were at Blue Valley North, our biggest rival, and where discrimination was common for my teammates because of the color of their skin. Most of them were African-American.

Most people know I graduated from Sumner Academy in Kansas City, KS where I was a minority. My life was filled with culture, raw talent, and beautiful people of many races. I was very involved in high school and part of a team whether it was volleyball, choir, and forensics. And when we traveled and went to other places, I saw the discrimination and heard the comments. But I felt it too because I was part of their team, these were my classmates, and my friends.

I would feel the heat of the discrimination fire on my white skin.

I've felt it even in Emporia when fellow Sumner friends struggled as the minority in certain situations. I saw the diversity issues and I experienced the culture shock.

I still hear the ignorance.
And it hits me.

My heart is heavy from the Ferguson issue. I still have my Sumner friends as Facebook friends and I follow some on Twitter and Instagram. I am reading and consumed by their outrage, frustration, and hurt. The same forensics coach and one of those classmates from above have posted about their worry for their own sons of color. It's a real issue and I am pained to know that these great people have to live with this burden. Because of what? They still haven't escaped this discrimination years later.

Right now I am feeling the heat of the fires on my white skin. I am aching and thinking of the beautiful people that have to live with this.

I don't even have an opinion on the Michael Brown case right now. I don't know what was right and what was wrong. I just know the pain that is being felt among people is wrong. It's not fair. I feel sickened and maybe even undeserving to have this "white privilege" they've been talking about. Why do I get this because I was born with white skin? Why can't they be treated fairly too?

I'm saddened and I am still crying as I type this. I'm reading and listening. I promise to continue to stand up for diversity and speak up about the issues still faced today. And I am hoping one day I won't feel the heat on my white skin anymore and the fire will be simmered.

From a Sumner Sabre,

Rachel

Love you

[Ten]

Ten. 10. TeN.

A number I have written many times. A number I have been striving to conquer multiple times. A number I finally defeated [this time].

Isn't there this unwritten thing in the world where it seems like just about any girl would love to lose 10 pounds?

It seems like throughout college, I would attempt this goal over and over. I would go through phases. Freshman year was all about proving that "Freshman 15" wrong. Sophomore year, I did lose that 10 and maybe a little more, but not on my own circumstances. It wasn't healthy. Then I tried to prevent gaining it back and that didn't work. I have worked with trainers at ESU and I always seemed to put "lose 10 pounds" as a goal. New Year's resolutions encompassed it too.

This year, I started a "healthy journal" and wrote my goals in the front page. "Lose 10+ pounds by graduation" was my top goal. And I still didn't make it. But I did make progress and that felt amazing.

I mentioned in my post, The Small Things, how I had been my heaviest in January and how I actually was starting to feel self-conscious in outfits. That wasn't normal to me. So I knew I had to make a change and I did. I used a dress I got for a banquet and graduation as motivators when I first started. And then part of the reason I applied for Miss Kansas USA, was to continue that motivation.

I have learned so much about my diet and exercise this year and have pushed myself in many ways. I did a full hour on the treadmill! Something, I would definitely dread in the past. Pushups aren't too hard anymore either. :)

I've also been wearing clothes I didn't think I would ever wear. A crop top and skirt?! It's been fun getting creative and outside my fashion comfort zone.

Greg has been a huge help in this process and we had a good conversation about why he enjoys the process of preparing for a competition. He has control over his body. He controls what he eats and what he does. It's all you. I am at the one that gets myself to the gym and pushes myself. Even if it's raining. Or cold. Or my bed would feel better. And I am the one that has to turn down the temptations [which I have indulged a few times].

My body feels great and I have adopted new habits that I hope to keep up. I've reached a new confidence that I hold close. And I am so glad to [finally] achieve something I've failed at time and time again and on my own dang circumstance! It's a good example to keep going and proves I can do something if I put my mind to it and work at it. Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

Special shoutout to Nicole for being an awesome workout partner these last few [tough] weeks!
I've seen quite a few girls I know trying to achieve similar goals. Keep it up! It is possible. :)

Sparkle&Shine.

[And sweat.]

Rachel

Thanks to Danielle for the kitty pic :)