Glitter & The Girly Girl: A Reflection

I can't believe that this school year is already over. It seemed like it only took a couple blinks and it was done, but really as I reflect back on this past school year, it has been the biggest year of my life. The other night as Anna and I did our nails together for the last time for a couple months, we decided to reflect on this past year. We talked about the first day we moved into our apartment and how our mom's kept talking to each other about how we were moving in to our first apartment. At the time, we didn't think much of it, but looking at it from other perspectives, it kind of is a big deal. We talked about the day of the break up and how her and Paige took me to get Chinese food and we spent the evening at Peter Pan park. I told her that was probably the best thing they could have done for me. We discussed the night her and Paige had to confront me about something that was really tough for them to do. How I had cried on the ottoman in our living room as Anna sat on the couch and watched me in pain while I kept telling her, "thank you." At that point, that is all I could say even though it probably wasn't enough. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes at that point in time. She told me what they had done and how they had debated about it. It was probably one of the toughest things they have had to do so far and I can't thank them enough. It shows how true of friends they are and that they have what's best for me in mind. I am blessed beyond with best friends that got me through such a horrible time in my life. Sammie had another hard job as well. As always she went the extra mile and took care of me. That's another person I can't thank enough. I was so glad to still have Jessica in my life too after everything. I remember breaking down at her house and crying in front of her for the first time. Anna and I also talked about the guys that I tried talking to and that have tried talking to me, and the kind of luck I had with them. It was also tough having Paige go back home. She has a special place in our hearts and we miss her a lot. We laughed over fun times with her like when she completely destroyed Anna's side of the room for no apparent reason and when Anna attempted to get her back and failed.

As the year has been wrapping up and I had a night to myself since Anna has already left, I have been doing some reflecting over this semester. Fall semester was filled with hurt and pain and it kind of carried over into the Spring semester, but I fought hard to make sure it didn't stay. There was no way I was going to let it bring me down. As I was sitting in my last counseling session and he asked me questions about my progress and we talked about what I was like when I first started counseling, I started the see all the changes. I could see the strength I had gained clearly. I felt like I came full circle almost. Or maybe some kind of closure or something. I had gone in a horrible mess that would cry every week while in session to become a more confident woman that was more aware of her feelings and emotions. I felt empowered and like it was some sort of victory.

It amazes me when I look back at the state I used to be in. I could barely eat and would call my mom constantly. I remember one Monday, I had to go to an Ambassadors meeting and then soon after read my poem that had been selected to be in Quivira. I had called my mom before it and cried to her. She told me I was going to get through it and I wasn't going to miss out on reading my poem. I was going to go and I was going to read it. I remember sitting in my car in the parking lot across from the alumni center not wanting to go in. But I pushed through it. I went and tried so hard not to let it show and to be strong because I really didn't have a choice. When thinking about the whole situation and what I went through, when it came down to it, I didn't have a choice. I was going to suck it up and strive to get things done. I had classes to attend, work to get done, an organization to lead, and an executive board position to fulfill in Ambassadors. There wasn't much time to dwell. As much as I wanted to take time to cry, sulk, and be alone, I am glad I had things that made me keep going. And I somehow did it and I sometimes don't know how. I just knew I wasn't going to let a person get the best of me and get me down. That's why I love "Part of Me" by Katy Perry and "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson so much. It resonates well with me.

This semester, I have had a lot of success that I still can't believe has happened. I was awarded the Susan B. Anthony scholarship for educating women on the ESU campus. That meant so much to me. Even if it didn't have money attached to it, I would still be honored to have gotten it because of what it stands for. I was able to meet the President and I took the chance in asking if his wife could attend a BUILD Beauty meeting. She did and then also hosted a BUILD Beauty birthday party at their house! I now chat with them when I see them around campus. I am lucky enough to be on a first name basis and have casual conversations with the President and First Lady of my university. It still blows my mind. I received the Robert and Mary Glennen lead scholarship as well as a CASE ASAP district scholarship that will take care of my registration for national conference this summer. BUILD has expanded and is now an official organization at K-State. I was elected to be next year's Vice President for Ambassadors. After pushing so hard to get through the bad and having to experience so much pain, I am definitely reveling, savoring and saying thanks for all this good that has been coming my way.

There are so many beautiful people in my life. I thank you for being there. I thank everyone that has said kind words to me in person, through Facebook, text, however it was communicated! It is messages that people tell me and send me that motivate me even more to strive to be the best I can be and hopefully make differences in people's lives.

Things I have learned...
It really does get better and it does take time. Have faith that things will change because they really do.

Would it be weird to say that I am kind of thankful that my heart was broken and that I went through a tough time? Because I have grown so much and I have spread my wings. I am doing things now that I wouldn't have done before. I am learning and becoming stronger and more confident in who I am. I am becoming a better person. And I am thankful for it.

Take chances, know that it will get better, and that everything will be okay.

Sparkle & Shine,
Rachel

Like I was poison in your mouth

You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

-Part of Me, Katy Perry

You know I dream in color
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

-Stronger, Kelly Clarkson