2014: My Love Affair with Vulerability

2014 is closing. I’m anxiously waiting for the bartenders to tell me to leave. In the meantime, I’ve been thinking back on what the heck just happened.

After reflecting and sifting through so much of this year, a word kept showing up. Capable. And another one. Vulnerable. I mean, I could even put them together in a sentence.

I am capable of being vulnerable.

So just from this year, I learned…

I am capable of traveling alone on flights. I did this more than once. And I found that I kind of actually enjoy it.

I am capable of planning a district conference.

A guy showed me that I am capable of loving again. (And that guys are capable of taking me out on dates!) And that I am capable of trying new things like food, hiking, and whitewater rafting.

I am capable of graduating with a degree.

Capable of competing in a pageant (2 of them in one year!) Capable of losing 10lbs. Capable of walking across a stage in my swimsuit.

I am capable of fundraising money. Even asking people for help, I am capable of.

And admitting when I am sad.

I am now capable of recognizing that maybe some people aren’t good for me.

I am capable of being hurt.

My heart is capable of breaking again.

I am capable of facing two people that hurt me the most. And also capable of forgiving them.

I am capable of ending chapters.

But I am capable of staying in touch.

I am capable of standing up for myself.

I am capable of blocking.

And also, capable of saying no.

All be darned, I have the capability of surviving an hour on the treadmill. (Woof.)

Most of all, I am capable of being confident

and I am capable of loving myself.

To experience these capabilities, I had to be vulnerable. There was an article I was scared to write that would be in print for all my peers to see. I bore a lot of nerves and fear for that. I finally let myself be really vulnerable for a guy that just kept knocking. I hadn’t handed over my heart like that in years. And I felt it break soon after. I was vulnerable enough to be completely judged on a stage by judges, an audience, and people watching online across the nation. A lot of what I have done made me vulnerable to mean girls too.

But, I voluntarily accepted this weird responsibility to bare myself to experience, whether good or bad, not only because I want to for myself, but as some sort of obligation as a writer. Writing is my passion. And to keep writing and writing well, I feel the need to experience. But I also want to experience these things so I can write to you. It’s when I receive feedback from my readers that they can relate or be inspired from what I write, it makes it all worth it. And for me to bare myself to all these experiences in life, I need to be quite vulnerable.

My Love Affair with Vulnerability

My soul is susceptible.

It’s willing to be a pebble

with harsh waters washing over me

in waves of hate and grace.

I make it easier for you to hurt me

with this life lived exposed.

Have you heard about my love affair

with vulnerability?

--- It’s more than a crush.

Our hearts beat loudly

and together we make everything tempting.

With risk comes a rush.

Courage knows nothing better than how to kiss.

My skin has walked the stage.

I have been judged and attacked

as the spotlight shines through me

showing mistakes I’ve made.

Do something, say anything, and write poetic lines;

and [I] wait to be criticized.

…

It has been a whirlwind bittersweet year. Right now, I have a bitter taste in my mouth, but I know time will make it sweeter.There were a lot of pivotal events I needed to experience and some of them were a little painful. A lot of chapters ended. A love story, a friendship, and my time in a town I called home for 4 years. I was laying down on an air mattress with Kirsten trying to get to sleep on our last night in the apartment I spent 3 years in. I could hear the trains. I remembered the first couple nights I laid awake in that apartment when I was not used to them. They annoyed me. But on that last night, I smiled. They were comforting and I was going to miss them.

…

Sprinkles of happy moments in 2014---

Graduating college + The arrival of my niece, Ella Jane + Meeting the other Rachel Nicole Marshall (twice!) + Achieving fitness goals + Traveling + 3 concerts over the summer [Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry] + Meeting Colbie Caillat + Being a Maid of Honor for a best friend's wedding  + Competing in Miss Kansas USA + The Royals in the World Series + The release of Taylor Swift's 1989 album + Getting new glasses and playing around with my style

…

Resolutions

My resolutions are:

to write a line a day

read a book every 2-3 weeks

My writing is going to be a huge focus for me in 2015. I am determined to push myself in this area. 

What are you resolutions?

…

I may be a little too excited for the arrival of 2015. I am going to give it a big wave hello. Heck, I may even kiss it! There is so much open space and opportunity. I can’t wait to explore. I want to consume everything and learn as much as I can. I hope we all have great adventures and lots of laughter in 2015.

Thank you for another great year and your continued support of my writing and this blog. 3 whole years down!

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

*Pink words are links to previous related blog posts if interested in further reading

Sunday Sprinkle: Drunk

Drunk 

I was drunk on him.

I drank every bit of him

until the straw became dry

and his love for me ran out.

I was wasted on all his words

and the promises he made.

I was intoxicated with his body

and how it mixed with my own.

He had me under the influence.

         I was under his influence.

I was so drunk that I didn’t notice

and so drunk that I didn’t know who I was.

I didn’t remember a lot of things.

It was when he broke my heart

that I became hung over.

I had a headache from his words

and the conversations that I played

over and over made me dizzy.

I threw up every promise

and cried for the person

that had made me feel loved.

I slept for a long time.

And when I woke up,

I found out who I was.

It was then it all felt like a dream.

I was no longer dazed and drunk.

I was finally seeing clear.

*Published in the 2014 edition of Emporia State University's Quivira 

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

Your Last Week of 2014 To-Do List

What are you going to do with your last week of 2014?

I am one of those people that like fresh starts; new days, weeks, months, and right now, I am anxiously waiting for the new year.

It feels like I am borderline obsessed with thinking about 2015. This will be the first January in which I am not going back to school. There isn’t much marked on my calendar. I don’t have a graduation to work toward or any other big events, really. Still job searching. So much OPEN space!

I will post about my 2014 this coming week, but as I have been reflecting, I have come to realize I have ended a lot of chapters. So I am excited to start a bunch of new ones real soon. And 2015 is one of them.

So how can we prepare? Here are some of the things that I have been working on and will be doing my last week!

Take time to think about 2014

I love looking back at the year and reflecting on what just happened. What did I accomplish? What did I learn? Who did I meet? Where did I travel to? I also like to think of the themes that seemed to pop up. Look at what you have taken from 2014 so you can use it for 2015.

Organize, Organize, Organize. Delete, Delete, Delete.

Email – I have multiple email accounts and I have finally gotten in the habit of keeping up with deleting and organizing emails. I use Gmail and love to make folders and subfolders so I can stash away the emails that I want to keep or are important. Makes it less cluttered and not so daunting when you log in.

My Mac – I like to keep my desktop clean. I have my “Poetry” folder and then will have a few things I am currently working on. I just went through a bunch of folders, documents, and pictures throwing away things I don’t need anymore and cleaned up areas by making subfolders. I also cleaned through my Dropbox and backed up certain folders to my flash drive just in case something were to happen!

I even edited and changed around my dock!

iPhone – I am currently going through my contacts on my phone. I don’t think I have ever sat down and deleted contacts I don’t need/use anymore since I have had a phone going into the 8^th grade. And as I have gotten new phones, they would just transfer over. Somehow down the line of one of my iPhones, my Facebook contacts synced to my contacts and saved. I changed the setting, but the synced ones are still there. So I even have duplicates of people! I have hundreds of contacts from old volleyball coaches, teachers, high school friends, people I met at conferences, and probably over 100 ambassadors from ESU. There are even some people I don’t even remember who they are. This is an undertaking, but much needed. I don’t think I need phone numbers of moms that chaperoned high school field trips anymore!

Go through apps and delete things you don't use anymore. Wipe out old pictures. Delete old texts. Refresh your phone!

*I would also suggest actually powering off your electronics. I rarely shutdown my Mac and iPhone as much as I should. This is a good time!

Social Media - You can take the time to update all of your profiles. Check and make sure you are up to date and do an overall check-in with what you have been posting. You can also go through your friends lists and who you are following.

Purse – I got a new purse and wallet for Christmas, which I am excited about. But even if you don’t get new pieces, I would encourage you to take time to go through them. I don’t think we go through them enough. I found lots of change and fortunes from fortune cookies!

Old gift cards – As I have been de-cluttering, I have come across old gift cards. You can simply search online and enter the numbers to see their balances. Some barely have anything on them, but I have been making a point to use them, because I don’t want to waste money. It’s like getting a little discount!

Makeup – Might as well go through makeup and see what you are using and not using anymore. You might need to throw away that mascara you have had for awhile. This is a good time to clean your brushes too.

Start thinking about your resolutions

Since I am taking this new year serious, my resolutions have been just as serious. I even researched resolution ideas. I wanted to have something I could do every day as well as other goals and resolutions to work on through the year. I would really think about what it is that you feel needs to be worked on or what you would like to accomplish. Make smart resolutions like you would with goals. Try to be specific as possible. Don’t just say, “I want to get in shape.” Make it specific with pounds and/or inches lost by a certain date for example.

You can take the week to get prepared for them. What will you need to accomplish these goals? Need a gym membership? You can start researching gyms near by. One of my resolutions will be dealing with reading more. I have already been asking people for book recommendations and have written an actual list out. I am already up to 30!

Write a letter

In the past, I have written a letter to myself on the 1^st of January. I will read it the next year and write another one. (My 2014 letter is still missing in action! I am pretty bummed I haven’t found it. So make sure you remember where you stash them! I think the transition of moving and cleaning out my room might have had something to do with it!) This is a cool way to speak to yourself and see where you were at a year ago. It’s a nice way to tell yourself about your resolutions as well.

There are some other things I am thinking about doing to prepare for my new year. These were just some of what I have been doing, have done, and suggest. You can go through clothes, shoes, and books too. De-cluttering, recharging, and rebooting are good for you! Do you have any ideas for me as I am about to complete my last week of 2014? Please send me them by emailing me at glitterandthegirlygirl@gmail.com.

Have a great last week! Please feel free to share what you do with it! Tweet me @theglitterylife with #LastWeek.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

Scabs

Scabs

They’ve been trying to heal.

                slowly

When I think about you, I

       scratch, scratch.

When I see you in my dreams,

              scratch, scratch.

Anytime I see a picture of you,

                     scratch, scratch, scratch.

  dried blood

Conversations with you make me

                          pick and pick at them.

If I hear that damn song,

                               pick.

                they hurt

If I saw you, they might bleed.

They would all open back up.

       again

They’ve been trying to heal.

…

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

Sunday Sprinkle: Christmas, I Couldn't Believe

Christmas, I Couldn’t Believe

by Grace Rome & Rachel Marshall 

All through the night, snowflakes twinkled.

But I couldn’t hear a thing, but twinkle, twinkle, with a winkle.

Curious kitties roamed around their houses looking for adventure.

Dogs and cats I dreamed of on Christmas Eve looking for adventure, I couldn’t believe.

Even the mouse in the basement couldn’t sleep.

For Christmas Eve, I couldn’t believe that

gifts would be opened soon with wrapping paper scattered across the room.

Hearing tomorrow was Christmas, no school, no nothing; I couldn’t believe.

I couldn’t believe tomorrow was Christmas with Santa to believe.

Just wait and see all the magic that will happen tonight

knowing Santa will come this night.

Lights will be glowing.

Magic will be happening with the appearance of Santa coming.

Nutcrackers dancing in my dreams, glitter.

On Christmas morning opening gifts from Santa in my head.

Popcorn, cookies, and other goodies wait to be eaten.

Quietly Santa comes in and

right before he puts the first present under the tree,

suddenly the tree fell down!

The dog chased the curious kitties up the tree and Santa got caught

underneath it. It sounded like

volcanoes erupting from miles away

waking everyone up!

X-rays had to be done making sure Santa was okay.

Yes, he was okay and happily I took over his job. Now you can go back to sleep.

Zzz…

A picture of the writers :)

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

A Word to the "Taken" Boys

I don’t know whether I am more irritated or just simply tired. I am tired of the same old sneakiness and sleaziness. So I am here to give it straight to ya. 

Please   Please   Please   if you have a girlfriend, respect her. Please don’t talk to me with sketchy intentions. I’ve been on every side of the word “cheat” and I’ve never thought any them looked good. In any light.

I can tell you that I take it pretty seriously. Once, I literally sat down a guy that consistently chased after me, who had a long time girlfriend, to look him in the face and tell him that as long as he was in a relationship, he was going to get absolutely nowhere with me. And I told him why. I told him my story.  I told him in hopes maybe he would get the consequences and hurt that can come with it. And to tell you, it ruins any chance of a relationship (if you even cared to have one) with me because I already know what you are okay with and do on the down low. Starting a relationship with someone who tried to reach me in such a dishonest way does not appeal to me.

And to those that are a bit sneakier, I will find out. My best friends are really good at finding just about anything out and they are great at telling me about it too. So when I tell you I know you have a girlfriend, just accept it. No need to lie because it will make you look that much worse.

One of the reasons why I am not okay with “taken” guys privately messaging me on social media and/or text is because if you were to get caught by the girlfriend, probably about 9 out of 10 times, she would dislike me automatically for something I didn’t initiate most likely 10 out of the 10 times. I don’t want to be hated over someone I am not interested in or something I didn’t do. 

If you are engaged, please don’t try to make small talk with me over Facebook message.

Don’t pour your heart out to me via text claiming you wouldn’t want a relationship right now with anyone else, but would with me, then get into a relationship a couple days later. It almost makes me feel like you “pre-cheated” or something and now I just feel awkward. For you and the girl.

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be upset if I texted you. I would rather you not be upset when your girlfriend texts you.

I realize that relationships, especially long term, can fade, get boring, lose it’s spark, and actually become some work. But I can tell you, I am not going to be able to fix it. There might be some kind of allure of talking to someone new. Maybe I am some sort of attraction or fantasy, but I am not a reality to you. Either try to ignite that spark with your lady or take it as a sign that maybe it’s time to let her go. And maybe she can have another chance to find someone that can adore her fully and give her everything she deserves. Think about her too and at least give her that.

And my name is spelled RACHEL.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

"Girl At Home" - Taylor Swift 

Sunday Sprinkle: Under the Covers

Under the Covers

Keep the covers on us.

I don’t care how hot it is.

It’s keeping us together in this moment.

We are covered from the world of worries.

The monsters that have hurt us can’t find us either.

All I need to feel are the butterflies in my stomach,

your lips, and the sweat

on the back of your neck on my fingertips.

I can’t stop kissing you.

Your words spill into my mouth.

That’s all I need to consume

under the covers with you.

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife

My Letter to the Younger Ones

Dear _________________,

This one is for you.

A letter from me to you and the girl in middle school wearing braces and going through puberty, the freshman boy trying to make new friends and figure out where he fits in, the girl trying to figure out what college to attend, and the one that doesn’t know if they are in the right major. To the ones that only need a little reminder that it gets better.

You can grab your elbow and knee pads, but it won't protect you from everything :)

I had braces. For I believe exactly two years and one day. And I am glad I did because my teeth are still pretty magnificent at age 23. I still wear retainers. And I like being goofy in them when my friends see me in them.

I had braces when I still didn’t have contacts and wore glasses all the time. It was the same time when I tried to give myself highlights from the box and it turned out terribly wrong. Even my siblings agree, I went through that “ugly betty” awkward phase of life. Who would have thought that girl would compete in a Miss Kansas USA pageant about a decade later?

For a long time, I attempted the messy bun look. When I was little, I wanted to master the messy-throw-up-your-hair-style my cool dance teachers did and then later what the college girls did when they went to class or the library. I finally would master it at the age of 22 and it was an amazing feeling. Sometimes you just have to practice and wait. It might come to you over time.

And along the way, you will always have bad fashion moments that you thought were cool at the time. Just go along with it. Whatever makes you feel confident and comfortable!

The braces, glass, and bad fashion moment. I think you can see the blue fuzzy stuff stuck on my pants.

It’s okay to change your major. The average is 4 times for college kids. I did twice. I almost wish I went in undecided and just let life take it’s course and figure out what my passions really were instead of what I thought they were or what I thought would be easy or a good fit. And just because I like to try to plan everything and know where I am going. This is also a fact of life. You can’t plan everything. And a lot of people don’t know where they are going next.

Taylor Swift was right when she sang, “You will do greater things in life than dating the boy on the football team.”

And when people tell you college is some of the best years of your life, they aren’t kidding.

You will change. Always. Change is one of the few things that remains constant. So you might notice your friends have changed or you might get accused of changing. Your style might change, your taste in music, thoughts, opinions, and more. But that is fine. Who would want to remain exactly the same anyway? High school and college are huge grounds for change. Let yourself evolve, grow, and explore. And don’t feel like you need to apologize for it.

Please, please, please study abroad if you possibly can. I never did and I am still wishing I had.

You will not continue to be best friends with all of your best friends from high school. Luckily, technology and social networks can keep you updated on their lives. But it’s fine and normal if you aren’t close with every single one of them. You will make more friends in college too. And when you graduate, you won’t be as close with some of them either. But you can stay in touch from time to time. Some come in and out for seasons or lessons. Other’s might stick around forever and that is pretty cool.

Get involved. In high school and college. The benefits are endless.

Give Greek Life a consideration. It has changed people’s lives, but if it is not the right fit for you, don’t feel bad. There are other organizations and opportunities out there that can change your life too.

I don’t think many people will notice the breakout on your forehead, the scar on your leg, or the white mark on your tooth. Most of the time they are probably not paying attention or might be worried about their own flaws wondering if you have noticed them too! We all have them. But we don’t seem to notice them most of the time.

Always dance full-out at dance practice.

Don't not do something you enjoy doing because you think people will think it's uncool or nerdy. You most likely won't see them again years on down the road. Do what YOU love or what YOU think is right.

Try to speak up for others that might be getting bullied or picked on. None of it is cool. Strive to be kind to anyone and everyone because there are already enough mean people in the world.

Your super duper crush on the boy in the 7^th grade will eventually fade. And when he likes your Facebook pictures ten years later, you won’t feel much of anything. So just cherish that one time you guys slow danced at the boy/girl party with sweaty hands and butterflies in your tummy. And smile.

Please don’t think something is the “end of the world.” It might be an end of a chapter or an era and can possibly be a new beginning and a lesson learned. Try to always turn anything negative into a positive. Maybe you didn’t get that job because there is actually a better one out there just around the corner. Turn a bad breakup into writing to help other girls. Possibilities are endless.

High school and college are tough, but enjoy every little bit of it. Because, why not?

 

Fondly,

Rachel Marshall

Sparkle&Shine.

@theglitterylife

Make-Believe

Make-Believe

     - Action of pretending or imagining. Typically that things are better than they really are.

Key words: fictitious, fake, made-up, invented, dream, play

Make-Believe

I’ve lived in a make-believe world before

where he is the center and I’m his girl.

We would play house and name our babies

and I went along with dreams he made for me.

He had me hooked with his fictitious feelings

as he made me a character in his book.

I was a good make-believing girl

pretending things were better than they were

---better than he was

because that’s what you do in make-believe worlds.

But the game board crashed to the floor

and our pieces started to scatter.

I looked for the door

as the fake fantasy shattered.

He tore apart what he made up and invented

and I became happy the whole story ended.

…

Sparkle&Shine.

Rachel

@theglitterylife