2014 is closing.
I’m anxiously waiting for the bartenders to tell me to leave. In the meantime,
I’ve been thinking back on what the heck just happened.
After reflecting
and sifting through so much of this year, a word kept showing up. Capable. And another one. Vulnerable. I mean, I could even put
them together in a sentence.
I am capable of being
vulnerable.
So just from this year, I learned…
I am capable of
traveling alone on flights. I did this more than once. And I found that I kind
of actually enjoy it.
I am capable of
planning a district conference.
A guy showed me
that I am capable of loving again. (And that guys are capable of taking me out
on dates!) And that I am capable of trying new things like food, hiking, and whitewater
rafting.
I am capable of
graduating with a degree.
Capable of
competing in a pageant (2 of them in one year!) Capable of losing 10lbs. Capable of walking across a stage in my swimsuit.
I am capable of
fundraising money. Even asking people for help, I am capable of.
And admitting
when I am sad.
I am now capable
of recognizing that maybe some people aren’t good for me.
I am capable of
being hurt.
My heart is
capable of breaking again.
I am capable of
facing two people that hurt me the most. And also capable of forgiving them.
I am capable of
ending chapters.
But I am capable
of staying in touch.
I am capable of
standing up for myself.
I am capable of
blocking.
And also,
capable of saying no.
All be darned, I
have the capability of surviving an hour on the treadmill. (Woof.)
Most of all, I
am capable of being confident
and I am capable
of loving myself.
To experience
these capabilities, I had to be vulnerable.
There was an article I was scared to write that would be in print for all my
peers to see. I bore a lot of nerves and fear for that. I finally let myself be
really vulnerable for a guy that just kept knocking. I hadn’t handed over my
heart like that in years. And I felt it break soon after. I was vulnerable
enough to be completely judged on a stage by judges, an audience, and people
watching online across the nation. A lot of what I have done made me vulnerable to mean girls too.
But, I
voluntarily accepted this weird responsibility to bare myself to experience,
whether good or bad, not only because I want to for myself, but as some sort of
obligation as a writer. Writing is my passion. And to keep writing and writing
well, I feel the need to experience. But I also want to experience these things
so I can write to you. It’s when I
receive feedback from my readers that they can relate or be inspired from what
I write, it makes it all worth it. And for me to bare myself to all these
experiences in life, I need to be quite vulnerable.
My
Love Affair with Vulnerability
My soul is
susceptible.
It’s willing to
be a pebble
with harsh
waters washing over me
in waves of hate
and grace.
I make it easier
for you to hurt me
with this life
lived exposed.
Have you heard
about my love affair
with
vulnerability?
--- It’s more
than a crush.
Our hearts beat
loudly
and together we
make everything tempting.
With risk comes
a rush.
Courage knows
nothing better than how to kiss.
My skin has
walked the stage.
I have been
judged and attacked
as the spotlight
shines through me
showing mistakes
I’ve made.
Do something,
say anything, and write poetic lines;
and [I] wait to
be criticized.
…
It has been a
whirlwind bittersweet year. Right now, I have a bitter taste in my mouth, but I
know time will make it sweeter.There were a lot of pivotal events I needed to
experience and some of them were a little painful. A lot of chapters ended. A
love story, a friendship, and my time in a town I called home for 4 years. I
was laying down on an air mattress with Kirsten trying to get to sleep on our
last night in the apartment I spent 3 years in. I could hear the trains. I
remembered the first couple nights I laid awake in that apartment when I was
not used to them. They annoyed me. But on that last night, I smiled. They were
comforting and I was going to miss them.
…
…
Resolutions
My resolutions are:
to write a line a day
read a book every 2-3 weeks
My writing is going to be a huge focus for me in 2015. I am determined to push myself in this area.
What are you resolutions?
…
I may be a
little too excited for
Thank you for
another great year and your continued support of my writing and this blog. 3
whole years down!
Sparkle&Shine.
Rachel
@theglitterylife
*Pink words are links to previous related blog posts if interested in further reading
That is an amazing picture. I love B/W photos. It was the standard long ago. Just being b/w makes you look very different from your "color" self. Not sure exactly different how, but maybe the contour of your cheek bone, your eyes seem darker and more mysterious and your semi-smile gives a much different effect than your full smile. Content, perhaps? Sorry, I was bored.
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